Monthly Archives: January 2009

Fighting Cellulite

Okay so last night I saw Benjamin Button, which was pretty good.  Long, but a lovely story that had me almost wetting my pants because I didn’t want to get up and go to the bathroom.  That’s the only bad thing about seeing a 3hr movie in the theaters, no pause button.  Anyway, at one point during the movie Sam leans over to me and asks, “Doesn’t she have two or three children?”  He was talking about Cate Blanchett.  cate-blanchett4

I knew what he meant; she looked fantastic.  So this morning I woke up and did a search on cellulite.  What is it and how can we fight it? 

What cellulite  is:  lumps of fat that push against the skin and look like nasty cottage cheese.  It’s caused by genetics, how much body fat you have, and the thickness of your skin.  Its dimpled  appearance can usually be found on your stomach, thighs or rear-end.  And by yours I mean women’s more than men’s as estrogen is also to be be blamed for this yucky stuff.

How to fight it: exercise, diet, and prayer.  Okay so I just added the prayer part, but every medical website I checked said that getting rid of cellulite is about as hard as running for president if you’re a black woman who practices Judaism.  Creams that claim to “cure” cellulite are bogus and a waste of money because they don’t have a high enough concentration of what they’re peddling (Methylxanthines) to get down in there.  Massage methods redistribute the fat, but results are temporary.  Laser or light therapy cost thousands of dollars and only work if you keep it up.  The minute you stop…the cellulite comes back with a vengeance.  So again, temporary results.  Mesotherapy, a controversial technique involving the injection of unknown drugs, seems to work, but the effects are unknown.  You may be cellulite free, but what good does a smooth rear-end do for you if you’re losing your hair and growling at people in the supermarket?  The injections of Collegenase are also still on the table.  Initial studies show that it might work to help the appearance of lumpiness, but doctors still don’t know if it’s harmful or long-term.  Diets, wraps – no good.  Liposuction – makes it ever worse.

So how does Cate Blanchett look so damn good?  I don’t know, but I’ll keep on this and let you know when I figure it out.  It’s the like the quest for the Holy Grail or the fountain of eternal youth – how do some people not have cellulite?  There’s got to be a secret club and I plan to get a membership card one way or another.  Unlike the other members however, when I find out what’s going on, I’ll share the goods.  Why should Cate Blanchett be the only one who gets to walk around looking like a 12 year old boy?

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Dinner and a Movie

Tonight I have a date to see some dinner and have a movie.  The Oscars are just around the corner and everyone in Los Angeles is becoming Oscar-crazy.  This in turn means one thing; your truly gets dragged to every single movie out there except for the ones I really want to see.  Bride Wars, hah!  The Wrestler, yes God help me.

So I thought to save those of you who aren’t movie addicts a lot of work and money by giving you my low-down on the movies you need (and need not) see. 

Movie #1: Run don’t walk to see Slumdog Millionaire.  A little bit of fairytale (like that Tim Burton movie Big Fish from years ago) and a little bit of scary dark side (has anyone ever seen City of God by Fernando Meirelles about the slums in Brazil?)  It’s a movie about the plight of two boys from Bombay.  Slumdog has it all plus dancing, humor, a love story, a game show, and a big pile of poo.  Seriously, I don’t think I blinked the entire two hours and I saw an 11 o’clock screening on a week night.  Now that’s saying something.

Movie #2: I’m still mad about Rachel Getting Married.  (mad as in crazy about it, not angry)  It was a movie that drew mixed feelings; some people didn’t get it and some people loved it.   I’m obviously one of the ones who loved it.  A story of one weekend in Connecticut, documenting the marriage of an older sister to a musician.  Sounds boring, right?  Opposite.  Fast paced and rough, the director and the camera somehow put the audience right there in the action as the newly sober younger sister comes home and the resentment, jealousy, and drama hits the fan.  It’s both uncomfortable and poignant and I really appreciated it.

Movie #3: You know the expression, “Milk.  It does the body good.” – well, ditto for the movie, Milk.  Madonna’s ex-husband Sean Penn embodies Harvey Milk to a rainbow-flagged T and in my opinion, should receive the gold medal.  The movie is inspirational (see my previous blog entry ‘MILK’), eye-opening, and current in its address of equal civil rights.  Tolerant people and homophobes alike should catch this one.  It’ll inspire us tolerant folk to do more and will perhaps change the minds of those who see being gay like a choice to join the devil.

Movie #4:  Now here’s a movie that crawls along as slow as a snail and yet I was rivited.  Frost-Nixen is the story of a certain puff-piece reporter’s interview of a certain infamous ex-President.  (can you guess who is who)  First of all, the actors in this one are just perfect especially the good-guy (Michael Sheen) and the bad-guy (Frank Langella).  And second of all, the story is fascinating.  Plus there’s just something about this cast of characters that keeps you rooting for them.  Maybe it’s Michael Sheen – I’m kind of obsessed with him.

Movies I didn’t like:  Happy Go Lucky.  (the worst – wanted to leave the theater within five minutes)  And The Wrestler.  (way, way, way too much graphic violence for me, but great acting)

More on the movie tomorrow maybe… I’ll let you know what I thought of Benjamin Button, Underworld, and others.

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I Have a Friend…

…who started biking everywhere before hybrids even existed.  Who reuses her plastic sandwich baggies and who would rather be caught naked than drinking from a plastic water bottle.  This friend builds houses for people she’ll never know and takes everyday containers and turns them into something useful.  My friend doesn’t throw bag after bag of trash into her recycling can and into her garbage can because she thinks about what she’s consuming first.   She’s  considerate.  To her it’s the EARTH not just the earth. 

This friend recently sent me something that she wanted me to take a look at.  She even reminded me about it and yet it’s taken me three days to get around to it.  Once I opened her email I wished I kept a cattle prod around the house.  It’s a wish I wish for often and not just because I’m some kind of kinky, sad0-masochist fruitcake.  

I get lost almost every day.  Right now for example, it’s 11am.  How did that happen?  I have no clue where the time goes, but somehow the sun sets and the stars rise and I still haven’t gotten my hair brushed.  The worst part about this is that I have great intentions that aren’t getting accomplished.  Like this one:  Friends of Animals – I want to volunteer my time walking these poor dogs and yet I never seem to get over there to do it. 

So here’s what my friend sent me and why I’ve gotta get a cattle prod:  Time Banking – The idea is to motivate, organize, and mobilize the troops (that means us) to get out there and volunteer.  I’m sharing it with you because it worked.  I made a phone and I’m heading over to walk some dogs on Friday.  Perhaps my friend’s energy, kindness, and attention to the world beyond herself will have the same effect on you as it did on me.

And this was the second part of her email in case you still need just a bit more inspiration.

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One Woman, One Birth, EIGHT Babies???

Just outside of Los Angeles a woman gave birth yesterday to EIGHT, 8, Ocho, EIGHT babies.  No matter what language I try to  say it in, it still seems about 8 too many.  Eight babies?  Are you kidding me?  And here’s the biggest kicker, she was expecting only 7.

Now I know a lot of people might think that this is amazing; modern medicine at its best.  I have to tell you though, it just grosses me out.  If the universe had meant for us to have 8 babies at a time women would’ve been created with more nipples.   Did she take fertility drugs?  Was she kidnapped by aliens and messed with on the animal planet?  I just don’t understand how something like this could have happened.

I don’t have much more to say about this except that when I typed in a search for “How does a woman have 8 babies?” I was directed to an even bigger nightmare.  In June of 2006 a woman in Germany was caught having killed eight of her babies.  Well now I understood; eight must be the antithesis of a magic number.  So then, morbidly fascinated, I did a new search for “Numerology of 8” and what did I find?  That 8 is a number of power and balance.  At this point, I had to stop reading.  Power?  Balance?  That would be more like having one child at a time (or maybe two since the unviverse did give us two nipples), but not eight.

So I’ll leave you with my word of the day:  Yegg– a burglar who robs safes.  As in, if you get caught with eight babies, find yourself a yegg and hire him because there’s no way you’re going to have the money to feed those kids otherwise.  Yegg.

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Chinese New Year

Today begins the Year of the Ox.  Yay! Whoo-hoo!  Fantastic!  Now what does that mean exactly? 

The Ox is the second of the Chinese astrological signs and is very loosly compared to the western sign of Capricorn.  The Chinese also have element signs that coordinate with their animal sign.  2009 is an Earth Ox Year.  Our first one since 1949, which in when we were cleaning up the mess of WWII.  Coincidence?  I think not.

According to the Chinese, a person born under the sign of the Ox is just like his animal counterpart – hardworking, caring, sturdy, and as stubborn as an ox.  They plod along getting things done, one step at a time with much determination.  So what does a Year of the Ox mean?  An Earth Ox at that?  Any year of the Ox then tends to be a year where people get their ducks in a row, with the intention of creating security for themselves.  This means, like the labor of an ox, a year full of fortitude, resolution, and doggedness.  But when you add in the Earth element, it begets the patience and industriousness of a gardner.

In the year of the Earth Ox, we plant seeds and watch them grow.  We water them, feed them, and protect them from getting overgorwn by weeds.  It’s not only a wonderful year for family, but also for planting financial securities.  2009 is year where communication is not the best (Oxen don’t talk much), quick decisions are uncommon, but like the exertion of our animal mate, any industriousness will reap us benefits for years to come. What wonderful news for our economy.  Better yet, guess who was born under the Year of the Ox?  Yes sir, one Barrack Hussein Obama.  Margaret Thatcher is another one.

Next year is the year of the Tiger (growl, hiss, roar) so plod along now and get some work done before we’re all back in the jungle chasing our tails and trying to eat monkeys.  If you’re curious as to what the year of the Ox will bring for you, a link to your Chinese Horsoscope for 2009 is attached below.  Those of you who are a Rabbit like me, you’re going to love our predictions!

2009 Chinese Horoscope

The Chinese animals, in order of appearance, are:

Rat
Ox
Tiger
Rabbit
Dragon
Snake
Horse
Ram
Monkey
Rooster
Dog
Pig

The Chinese elements, in order of appearance, are:

Metal
Water
Wood
Fire
Earth

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Nothing But Nothing But Vampires

I’ve been sitting here for like, you know 40 minutes and the only thing I can think about are werewolves and vampires and witches and goblins.  Two days ago I got a new shipment of paranormal books in from the library and I’ve been reading like a crack junky at a South American factory sale.  I wake up, work-work-work, dance, and then come home and read until the wee hours of the morning.  I’ve read six books and all of them have had to with things that go bump in the night.  I’m exhausted, but happy.  I haven’t read like this in ages and I feel an SUV pulling up at the Exon station.  Feed Me!

Today the new Underworld movie comes out and I’m having a hard time finding anyone to go with me.  I need more friends who are teenage boys; someone who shares my fascination with the occult and the supernatural.  Only problem is, every time I try and pick one up after school, child services cracks down on me – like I’m some kind of weirdo for wanting to hang out with teenage boys.  Whatever.  It’s like totally a lose-lose situation, you know?

Seriously though, if you’re a teenage boy and you’re reading this and you want to go see the new Underworld movie, ask you mom if she’ll let you go with me.  I’m so not weird and I’ll like even buy the popcorn.  Think about it.

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Cutting Yourself a Break

Self Magazine Editor, Lucy Danziger has some helpful hints for those of us trying to loose a few pounds before spring.  First of all, she says, we have to give ourselves a break.  No more looking in the mirror and seeing everything wrong.  Goodbye fat thighs, cankles, lumpy bottom, saddlebags, monster boobs, stomach rolls, ham-hock arms, double chin, and any other wobbly bits we might hate.  Hello positive!  Hello cheekbones, skinny arms, collar bones, nice breasts, toned calves, shapely legs, tight abs, and pretty hands.  Instead of looking at the roll of fat hanging over your skinny jeans, look at your long, thick hair.  Instead of thinking, “My god, if my rear-end got any bigger they’d stick a zip code on it.” think, “Wow, my breasts looks fantastic in this top.  No one will be able to resist my powers today!”  As Lucy Danziger says, “Love your body and it will love you back.”

But wait, there’s more…stress is the number one killer.  It not only makes your body hold on to dangerous stomach fat, but it also sends you straight into the cookie section for comfort.  High fat foods soothe the brain, making binge eating synonymous with solace.  Instead of shoveling in the Tastycakes, go for a walk, take some deep breaths, do something with your hands like knitting or coloring.  Before you know it, your brain and body will be just as relaxed as if you pigged-out, but without the guilt.

Which brings me to Lucy’s next point, guilt.  I don’t know about you, but guilt is like a bad roommate who won’t move out.  He leaves the toilet seat up, eats my food, and always forgets to write down when somebody calls.  And yet no matter how many times I tell him to beat it, he keeps coming back to beat me.  Well enough is enough – no more guilt, it’s pointless.  So instead of beating yourself up about that extra serving of noodles in butter sauce, just smile and enjoy the experience.  Life’s too short to obsess about what we should’ve, would’ve, could’ve.  Tomorrow we can all try again.

Finally, Lucy tells us to slow down and to stop labeling things as good or bad or off-limits or naughty.  Eat what you want as long as it makes you happy, just slow down while you eat it.  It takes the brain twenty minutes to realize if it’s full or not so instead of gobbling down food to feed the beast, chew.  And chew.  And breath.  Maybe you’ll find one bowl of ice cream more than enough.  Or maybe not, maybe you’ll need two bowls and then a brownie.  Whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up about it.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you’re freaking fantastic…and then get on with your bad-self. 

 

 

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