Monthly Archives: November 2008

Gobble-Gobble-CHOKE

I’m back again with only a day to go before Turkey Time.  The drama is sizzling up like a piece a fake fish at Red Lobster.  Tempers are spiking, bad habits are emerging- it’s going be chaos, people.

Which is why I have some more suggestions for you.  Starting with the movies – there are a lot of movies out there that can make you smile about the holidays -vs- trying to slice yourself open with a dull butter knife.  One of my all time favorites is the Holly Hunter, Robert Downey Jr. Home For the Holidays.   And if you think you life is off-kilter, check out National Lampoon’s Christmas Vactaion or Scrooged.  Those people really have it bad.  Would you want a trailer parked in your front yard for the holidays?  Planes, Trains, and Automobiles takes place over Thanksgiving weekend and is a great watch for those of you home alone this year.  I promise you, you’ll feel much better about your decision not to travel.

Love Actually is a feel good holiday movie right up there with A Muppet Christmas Carol.  I used to watch the Muppets with my grandfather so maybe I’m biased on this one, but if you have little ones you should definitely check it out.  Another kid favorite is Nightmare Before Christmas.  Stick those little buggers in front of the TV and hit play, is what I say.  You’ll have two uninterrupted hours of cleaning up mash potato and putting away cranberry dressing.  Whoo-hoo.  Another glass of wine?

The Family Stone is a favorite of mine.  A movie that reminds you that sometimes, you just gotta go with the flow and waive your freak flag.  Groundhog Day on the other hand, reminds you to make the most of it all the first time around.  If you’re into low-brow comedy you’ve got ELF, The Santa Clause, and Fred Claus.  Unfortunately, the only Hannukah movie I can think of is Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights, but maybe A Christmas Carol can make for that.  Even though it’s not Jewish, it’s really funny.

In closing, if you have time for only one movie alone by yourself tonight and one movie as a family tomorrow I say this… Watch Harold and Maude tonight to get yourself into the mood to accept the strange, the bizarre, the different.  This movie has nothing to do with the holidays, but it’ll make the medicine go down.  You’ll be able to watch your neighbor eating with his mouth open and your daughter reading a magazine at the table with new eyes.  (Plus it’s all set to the most amazing music ever by Cat Stevens so that doesn’t hurt.)  And then tomorrow pick one of the ones I’ve listed for you.  They’re all crowd pleasers.

More Holiday Movies To Get You Through The Holidays Without Committing Hari Kari

Even More Holiday Movies To Get You Through The Holidays Without Committing Hari Kari

And Last One 

Or Not

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Turkey Countdown

Only days are left now.  Soon you’ll be with family and friends to give thanks for having food.  It’s a tricky time, especially with family, so here are my suggestions for getting through it alive.

Suggestions of Sara (in no particular order):

1.  Do not take pills beforehand that might cause you to pass out in the pumpkin pie.  Do take pills that prevent anxiety, manic/depression, and any other type of crazy ‘If I could get a knife, I’d kill you!’ thoughts and behavior.  Remember, oxycodin bad – prozac good.

2.  Eat something beforehand.  You do not want to be that person who keeps going back for more.  Give thanks for the food, just don’t eat it all in your appreciation.

3.  Bring a gift.  If the party’s not at your house then you need to bring your host and hostess something that shows you’re thankful for them.  A bottle of nice wine, flowers, some fancy chocolates – all of these gifts show that you car.  Note: For my trailer readers: a lotto ticket, hand picked flowers or a dish of your famous hamburger macaroni casserole would be more than sufficient.  For my crazy rich readers: an Hermes blanket, a Feng Shui expert (just don’t put him or her in a box) or a couple of solid gold coasters would be the least you could do.

4.  Smile, make innocuous conversation, ask people questions about themselves…and bring a book. That way when you feel the thoughts of murderous rage descending upon you, you can escape into an upstairs bathroom with your book.  So people might think you have diarrhea.  Who cares?  I’d much rather you enjoy yourself in the bathroom with Harry Potter than get stuck in a yelling match with that irritating fascist otherwise know as Cousin Lenny.

5.  Last, but not least, don’t forget to write a thank you note afterwards.  Even if you broke all of my other suggestions – you passed out on the floor, ate 2/3 of the rhubarb pie, came to the party with nothing but your hip flask of wild turkey, and got into a fist fight with your brother – you still should write a thank you note.  Just gloss over what you did and focus on the positive. 

Dear Family and Friends,

Thanks for including me in your celebration.  I had a memorable time and you guys are the best cooks this side of the Mississippi.  I hope to have many more holidays with you.  Thank you again!!!

Peace and joy,  Aunt Sara

(You can copy the above letter word for word, I don’t mind.)

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Edward Cullen, Vampire Extraordinaire

 edward-cullen1 edward-cullen-2twilight-3twilight-2

Photos are from InStyle and Vanity Fair Magazines.

 I’d write more, but what else can I say?  The movie wasn’t as good as the books, but it held its own and was far from terrible.  I don’t know if the director meant to make the cheesy parts funny, by my theater was laughing loudly throughout the film.  Laughing with it I should say, not at it.  The two main characters of Bella Swan and Edward Cullen make the film.  It’s the stellar acting skills of these two young people (not to mention their intense chemistry) that carry the love story from start to finish with aplomb.  And they’re gorgeous.  Especially the young buck.  Hubba-hubba.  I recommend it and eagerly await New Moon.  But ladies, go with your lady friends because trust me, you will want to talk about Robert Pattinson.  Did I already mention, hubba-hubba?  He’s adorable.  If only I were 18 again…

Obviously I’m not only one who thinks this way.  I found thousands of videos like these on youtube.

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Good News For Regular Women

These days the bar for high marks in the beauty department seems ridiculous; clear skin, big eyes, big lips, long ‘I just stepped out of a Pantene comercial’ hair, flat stomach, dimple-free thighs, a tiny hiny that’s perky and grabable, but not too big that you can’t fit it into an Airline seat without wedging yourself back and forth a few times, nice hands, nice feet, nice breasts, nice nose.  The qualifications go on and on; I just can’t stomach the whole gosh darn list of them at 7 o’clock in the morning.

Well, good news has arrived.  Model Karolina Kurkova has been voted the world’s sexiest woman by E! entertainment television.USA/  Why is this a good thing for women all over the world?  Because I’ve seen her and while she’s beautiful, she’s not perfect.  Yes, that’s right, I like this woman and am pleased to say that despite the stomach that you could bounce a quarter off of, she’s no waif.  In fact, her behind is so ba-dunkidunk that it’s like whoa, incoming vessel. 

How do I know all of this?  A few years ago when I used to have friends in high places, I was invited to tag along to the Victoria’s Secret fashion show on Hollywood Blvd.  Due to the further kindness of my famous friends, I was plopped almost on the runway right by Derek Jeter, Kate Walsh, and Robby Williams.  To say I had a good view of those models was to say that a fighter pilot has a good view of the sky – in other words, they were so close I could’ve touched them.

The point?  The world’s sexiest woman’s got a whole lot of cellulite going on.  If she’s the new bar then her not-so-perfect booty has saved us all.  Women!  Stop the madness!  We’re not supposed to look like mannequins in a store window.  And if my telling you the down low on Karolina isn’t enough to get you to stop doing a hundred lunges a day, Sam and I ran into fellow supermodel Amber Valletta last weekend.  Beautiful?  Just as much as every other woman on the planet without a hair and makeup team or airbrushing.

So go on out and have a great time ladies.  There’s a new sheriff in town and she’s named YOU.

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Sluttiest Cop. Wellingtons. Porn Washington State…

These are just a few of the topics that people “search for” when they come across my weblog. 

Slutty Businesswoman.  Rainbow Twirl.  Size Queen Porn.  Katie Sclavounos – these are a few more.

Every morningwhen I log in to write my blog, my home page shows me which search engines referred SaraMorris@wordpress.com, which of my blog entries got read the most that day, and what people are looking for when my blog gets posted on their search results.  Slutty businesswoman, rainbow twirl, size queen porn?  What the hey?  I feel like I’m writing smut over here.  Like I’m the queen of slutty porn blogging.

The Slutty Cop put on her Wellingtons in Washington state.  “Call me Rainbow Twirl.”  she told her pimp, Katie Sclavounos, who was also a well-know Slutty Businesswoman.

No.  I never write anything like this and yet everyday, slutty, slutty, slutty.  That’s it.  From now on I’m all about Sudan and Afghanistan and Bosnia.  I’m writing about obesity and memory loss and high cholesterol.  You’ll never read my blog and smile again.  Tears, moaning, cries of anguish – these will be my new ‘search terms.’

Hah.  Take that you slutty cops.

*** P.S. What the heck is a Size Queen Porn and who is Katie Sclavounos?  If anyone can answer these question I’ll write a blog about whatever you want.  Even if it’s slutty and porn related.  I promise.  (Tragedy. News. Heart Attack. Family Dog. Amnesia.)

11/21/08  Today’s search topics are even worse:

slutty chinese girl 2  
cop cars in action 1  
hip hop dancing for dummies 1  
porn queens 1  
getting married fast 1  
red persian cat 1  
slutty women 1  
sara morris nurse 1

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Zzzzzzzzzzzzz……..

I know, I know, it’s the epitome of boring to talk about your dreams, but the dream(s) I had last night are weird – like really bizarre, huh?, kind of weird. 

There I was, at the front of a long line of people, poised to shake hands with President Obama when all of a sudden, some woman I hadn’t seen since the Red River grabbed me in a bear hug.  I tried to shake her off.  She clung like a vine.  Did I know this woman?  I must because she was waxing on and on about how great it was to see me. 

Eyes focused on Obama’s outstretched hand,  I used my elbow to shove myself away and reach out towards him.  Inches separated our fingers, I was about to shake the President’s hand – but then the woman regained her equilibrium.  With determination she leaned into me like a line-backer.  I tried to get past her.  Our feet tangled.  The next thing I knew we were going down, down, down on top of Obama

When I look again he’s sprawled on the ground underneath the huddle, smiling at me as if to say, “Really?  This is how you meet the President?”

I wouldn’t share such a silly dream with you except for the fact that I had the same dream four different times throughout the night.  Sometimes it’s just me who trips and knocks him down, sometimes there’s a crowd who herds me into him, sometimes his wife is there to prevent bloodshed… but the point is, each time I bring the poor man down to the ground.  What could this mean?

Kiki thinks we should head to Washington.  She says great opportunities lie in store for us there – think tanks, subterfuge, illegal conversations.  She says that it’s time to use our powers for good.  I have no idea what me knocking down poor President Obama has to do with doing good – unless I become a FBI agent on security detail.  Sara Morris, FBI bad ass.  I like it.  Like La Femme Nikita, but not like that all since I’m more into dancing than kick boxing.  Like La Femme Baryshnikov… twirl, twirl, twirl, and head roll, elbow slam.  Bad guy down.

fbi + ballet + ballet-2 = fbi-badge

What bad guy could concentrate with these kinds of moves?!

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My Very First Boyfriend

I got an email yesterday from my very first boyfriend ever.  I know!  It’s so exciting!! 

The email said that he’d read a few of my silly ramblings so if he’s reading right now…Hola!  I’m going to call you Bob for the rest of this article to protect the innocent.  (You can thank me later)  Bob politely asked after my family whom he remembers with fondness (major points on that one) and questions about living in Los Angeles.  I got the email at about 11pm last night so I haven’t answered yet, but boy oh boy did it bring back memories.

Freshman year of high school circa 1989.  I went to a day school that used to be a boarding school.  Big bangs and scrunched socks were cool.  I had hair that just wouldn’t do big bangs so from right about then I knew high school would be a pain in the rear-end.  It didn’t help that my braces wouldn’t come off until about mid-year.  Or that I’d gone through middle school without so much as holding hands with a boy, let alone kissing one.  Or that I was smart.  Smart was not sexy in high school.  Neither were blazers with shoulder pads, but I still rocked those too.

There was a girl from another school (I’ll call her Carly) who used to have parties in her basement.  I’m not quite sure how I became friends with her since she was much, much cooler than me, but I did.  I used hang out at her house and we’d get ready together before her parties and then I’d even spend the night.  To say I felt like the cat’s meow would be a gross understatement.  I was a freshman in high school invited to parties from upperclassman of other schools?  Braces and bad hair aside, I was doing okay.

New Year’s Eve that year, I had my very first kiss.  With Bob.  In Carly’s basement.  And I’m pretty sure I still had braces.  Poor Bob.  I don’t know how he did it.  But from that point on we were a couple.

Now in the vein of full disclosure and honesty I have a confession to make.  After Bob left the party that night I did happen (by accident of course,  I think maybe I slipped on an ice cube? ) to kiss somebody else.  My excuse?  The rush of having my very first kiss went to my head.  I was curious to see if it was just Bob who made me have butterflies in my stomach or if it was the kissing thing in general.

Curiosity has always been one of my downfalls.  When I have a new interest I’ll read everything I can get my hands on about it until I’m so saturated with information, I leak.  Same goes for hobbies.  Since I’ve started learning to hip hop dance, I’ve been going five times a week.  Pretty soon people will be calling me Lil’Kim.  

But there in the basement on New Year’s eve I learned my lesson about butterflies and kissing – and never got curious again.  Until Bob and I broke up.  Like a month later.  A trend I would continue to perfect for years and years to come.  The breaking up I mean, not the kissing two boys part.

Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but your first kiss, your first boyfriend will always stay in your memory like a shiny, new penny.  Bob was a few grades older than me so I’m fairly certain I was not his first kiss nor his first girlfriend, but I’m glad he remembers me all the same.kiss1

Mostly, I’m just grateful that I picked such a nice guy to be my first boyfriend…who I can see, has turned into a very lovely man.

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