Could You Be A Sumo Wrestler?

When I was little, my cousins and I used to hike up our underpants, stomp our feet, slap our knees, and yell, “SUMO!”  It was our salute to the beauty of sumo wrestling.

Though I’ve never seen a match in real life, I have seen the men who participate and they are truly like little mountains.  Tall.  Wide.  Big.  Strong.  They move in their robes like Tsunami Waves – slow and steady and with incredible intensity.  To watch them is to watch something beyond the imagination; how do these men get so darn big?

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my 7 month check-up and weighed in at a good 12 pounds heavier then I did only a few weeks ago.  Pleased with my diligence and training, I have contacted a local Japanese Sumo Chapter to alert them of my status.  With a few more months like this one, I’m going to throw my hat/belly into the ring.

Until then, I have investigated what it takes to make it in the sumo world (see 3:30min mark below) and am now adopting a strict regiment:

• 10,000 calories a day
• a lot of beer
• followed by a nap to make sure the weight stays on

Wish me luck.  

True Accident Report – you can’t make this stuff up

The following is an except from a police report.  The names have been changed to protect the idiots the guilty.

Thursday December 15, 2011

I was driving from Jeppi Nut Candy Company in Timonium, MD to M&T Bank Stadium.

10:38 a.m. I exited I-83 South onto Route 1/North Ave./Mount Royal Ave.  I was three cars from the light when I heard and felt a loud Boom.  I looked in the rear view mirror and noticed the driver of a White Saturn had rear ended me.  I exited the vehicle.  He exited the vehicle.  He looked at my bumper and said that there was no damage and he was ok.  I stated that we were going to exchange information regardless. 

He entered his car and presented me with his owner’s manual and car registration.  I looked at the registration and asked for his insurance card.  He reentered his car.  I wrote down his license plate number then walked to the back of his car to make sure the license plate numbers matched.  He exited his car and approached me stating that he didn’t have an insurance card but he did have insurance.  I asked for his driver’s license.  I wrote down his name, Tyler Xxxxxxxxx, his date of birth, 09/03/1993, and his driver’s license number, X-xxx-xxx-xxx-xxx. While copying his driver’s license information I asked him what had happened, if he had been texting while driving.  He stated he was looking down at his lap when our vehicles struck.   I asked him for his cell phone number.  He stated it twice, each time giving me a different last four digits.  He looked at my notes and told me the number I had was correct, 443-xxx-xxxx.  I gave him a piece of loose leaf paper that said, “Theodore Xxxx, 410-xxx-xxxx.”

At this point we were standing between the two vehicles about two feet apart from one other.  He then began to cry hysterically.  Tears ran down his cheeks.

“I don’t know what to do.”  He sobbed. “This has never happened to me before. I will give you whatever you want.”  

At this point he started to lean in his head as if to lay it on my shoulder for a hug. 

I quickly put my left hand on his right shoulder and shook his right hand with my right hand to put space between us.  After a few seconds of telling him to take a deep breath and that everything was going to be ok I terminated the physical contact.  The last thing he said to me as we both entered our cars was, “My mom just gave me this car.”  He was still crying at this point.

(Note to my readers…keep going, this story is just getting good!)

 

At the bottom of the ramp I made a right onto North Ave.  After going a short distance I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed that Tyler was directly behind me.  Through a series of maneuvers. I determined that Tyler was in fact, following me.  He was driving behind me very closely and holding his cell phone with his right hand in front of his face talking.  I proceeded through a few lights until I was finally forced to come to a stop at the intersection of North Ave. and Madison.  I was the first car at light.

I watched in my rear view mirror as Tyler’s car approached.  

He appeared to be slowing down. 

His head was looking down at his lap. 

Boom he struck my vehicle from behind for the second time.  It was 10:50 a.m. – 12 minutes after the first accident.

This time the force and noise was more pronounced than the first collision on the I-83 exit ramp.  I picked up my phone and dialed 911.  I exited the vehicle and approached his car.  Tyler rolled his window down and asked if I was calling the police.  I said, “Yes, I am calling the police.”  He exited his vehicle.  He immediately became frantic. 

“It was the breaks, this time it was the breaks!” he told me.  “Look my car is damaged too.”  He became hysterical again.  He was screaming, “I don’t know what is going on right now!”  

He seemed extremely unstable.  I asked him to turn his car off.  Tyler looked at me and said, “I have to get to class.”

He took a few steps towards the door of his vehicle and I followed him.  He then jumped into his car and immediately put it in reverse.  I began to chase him.  Tyler made a sharp right and a sharp left to maneuver around my car.  I kicked his driver’s door with my right foot as I yelled for him to stop.  In response, he proceeded through the light, continuing down North Ave.

I did not get through to a 911 operator until my second or third try.  This was after Tyler had left the scene.  I stated I had been involved in a hit and run accident on North Ave. at Druid Hill Ave.  I called back a few minutes later to tell the operator I was closer to McCulloh St.  Officer Dyer arrived within a few minutes.

While I was waiting on police response I received a phone call from 443-xxx-xxx.  It was 10:58 a.m.  This was the number Tyler had given me at the information exchange at the first collision.  I answered and said, “Hello, Tyler, you need to turn around and come back to North Ave.” 

He repeated a number of phrases including, “Hello, Who is this? No this isn’t Tyler, I don’t know what you are talking about.”  I then asked him, “Is this Tyler?  Did you just rear end me on North Ave.?”  He stated again, “I don’t know who this is or what you are talking about.” 

I hung up the phone.  He called again at 11:01 a.m.  I did not answer .  He left a voicemail on my phone.  “Umm if you could give me a call, this is uhh.. the.. Tyler Mmmxxxxxx.  I would really like to understand what is going on.  Cause you just hung up real abruptly.  So just give me a call back.”

Officer Dyer arrived shortly after this.  I was able to positively identify Tyler Xxxxxxxxx as the driver of the White, Four Dour, Saturn.  I also soon found out that Tyler’s father and brother are both known criminals and that his mother was (at that very moment) filing a restraining order against him. 

Damage to my vehicle is minimum, but necessary.

Email Chain

I stole the following from Elizabeth Banks’ website. (it’s a long story, don’t ask)

Cat + Email Chain = Hilarity

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Poster

Hi

I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.

Thanks, Shan

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

That is shocking news.

Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up?

I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone… possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out “Shannon, where are you?”

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

I never said I don’t like cats.

Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short.

As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet.

Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham ‘Choose Life’ t-shirt, and he punched me.

An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants.

I liked that cat.

Poster as requested.

Regards, David

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am

To: Shannon Walkley

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please.

Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: PosterDear Shannon,

Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticismI don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.Regards, David

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: PosterThis is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Posteryeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: AwwwDear Shannon,

I don’t have a cat.

I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it.

If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke.

A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.

Regards, David

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: AwwwThats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: AwwwI know, but that one is cute.

As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work.

I would call it Steven.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: AwwwI didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: AwwwCan you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

What Babies Learn Before They’re Born

Fascinating.

Absolutely fascinating.

Annie Murphy Paul, author of “Origins: How the Nine Months Before Birth Shape the Rest of Our Lives.”

Another Planet Earth?!

Nasa has just found a planet that is just like Earth, but bigger.  The Kepler space telescope has found 2,326 potential Earth-like planets, which seems like a lot to me, but this one has gotten the men in suits excited.  Kepler-22b is 600 light years away and about 2.3 times bigger than Earth.  Although scientists can’t tell what the surface is like yet, they do know that the temperature is a balmy 70 degrees.  They’ve even gone so far as to call it “Earth’s Twin.”

Oooo Ooo Ooo.  I just know they’re going to find life out there.

NASA website

I Hate the Kardashians

I am so sick of hearing about this (excuse my French) fame-whoring family.  You can’t even read the Wall Street Journal these days without hearing the incredibly non-interesting, made-for-TV drama that these people are advertising.  So and so got married.  So and so got divorced.  Yeah and…?  It’s all for publicity and money and product placement and everything else that falls under the canopy of skewed values.  And the worst part is, people are interested.

America, please stop giving your attention to these people who have done absolutely nothing to deserve it.  If your own life is so darn boring, read a book, knit a sweater, pick up Catan and get addicted.  (best board game I’ve met in awhile)  Anything would be less like sticking a straw into your brain and sucking out all reason and perspective then watching the 400 different reality shows this “family” produces.

And speaking of families that make you go hmmmm?  (click slideshow to play)  Here are some doozies.