French Kissing

French Kissing, so named because the French were thought to be more passionate in the 1900’s, is a strange thing to observe.  Clinically speaking, it’s not that sexy.  In high school I had a friend who french kissed a boy’s nose.  Granted the nose was a honker so in the dark it was an easy mistake to make, but still.  The fact that she couldn’t tell the difference gives a good indication of how unsexy french kissing can be with the wrong person.

Bad kissing, and bad french kissing in particular, is no rare phenomenon.  I think we all remember Brad the Bad Kisser:

Or this incredibly disturbing kiss:

My point?  I saw a lackluster french kissing scene between one very handsome gay actor and one incredibly emaciated red-haired actress.  Obviously, I didn’t buy the romance.  And that just got to me to thinking about french kissing and how tricky it can be.  So, I’m bring back the old-fashioned movie kiss – just one long kiss with no room for error.

Here are some old and new examples of kisses that work:

 

 

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The Inbetweeners

Thank goodness for Netflix.  About a week ago, stuck awake and wondering why my aching eyes wouldn’t just close themselves and be done with it, I stumbled upon a new show – The Inbetweeners.  A British sitcom from 2008 to 2010, The Inbetweeners focuses on the life of 4 teenage boys who are utterly retarded obsessed with sex uncool.  As a woman, I might not be supposed to enjoy something as rude as The Inbetweeners, but as I’ve said before…although I might look like a 34-year-old mum on the outside, on the inside I’m pure 13-year-old boy.  The Inbetweeners is like Superbad except it’s only 30 minutes per episode and the boys are English not American.  Otherwise though, the idiocy is the same.

The show is centered around Will, a nerdy private school boy whose parents divorce and due to lack of funds, is thus forced to go to a crappy public school.  Briefcase boy, I mean Will, befriends cute, but awkwardly timid Simon and his two chums, dumb-as-a-rug Neil and liar-liar-pants-on-fire Jay.  The hilarity ensues as the 4 chums land in one hot pickle after another as they try to lose their virginity and navigate high school (in that order).  You can see full episodes on YouTube if you don’t have Netflix.  

In addition to terribly ridiculous high school drama, the show also lends itself to British teenage slang like, fit and bent and poof.

Fit (sexy): “She’s so fit I want to touch her boobs.”  Bent (gay):  “Your dad’s bent, Neil.”  And Poof (short for poofter, also meaning gay):  “Are you a poof then?”

Due to its success, the powers-that-be even made a movie about the 4 once school has let out.  As you can see, it’s utter cretinism and therefore wonderful for nights you can’t sleep.  The Inbetweeners, just what your average 13-year-old boy/34-year-old mum needs.

Pottery Barn – On My Shit List

About to rant and rave so hold onto your trousers.

Last week I purchased TODDLER bedding from Pottery Barn Kids for my daughter.  Shark bedding to be precise.  Sharks going here, sharks going there, sharks scuba diving in their underwear.  In short, they’re great.

Until I washed them, threw away all the packaging, and tried to put them on her toddler bed.  And that’s when the trouble started.

According to Pottery Barn (both the woman at the store where I purchased and their 800 number) Pottery Barn sells their sheets as TODDLER size, but they’re really crib size.  Seems as if they’ve got their own sizing method that does not correlate with the rest of the world.  And just in case you’re reading this and wondering “what in the hell is this woman talking about???”, a toddler size in bedding in somewhere in between a crib and a twin.  At least it is for everywhere but inside the rosy gates of Pottery Barn.

Worst of all, despite the mislabeling, our sharks sheets are not returnable.  Once you’ve washed, there’s no going back, which I think is a good policy…except if you’re selling TODDLER sheets that are really crib sheets.

Pottery Barn, you’re on my shit list right now.  No more ch-ching, visa visa for you.

Mom Lands – I Eat Lunch

For the first time in months I am eating lunch on the sofa in one sitting.  No jumping up mid-bite, no putting my food down to change a diaper, no waiting until it’s cold and eating it while I drive to the playground.  No, I am sitting here with my feet up as my poor mother wrangles my two children.

This, my friends, is heaven.  The only thing that could make it better would be if I were asleep and looked like Gisele Bundchen.  (she’s pregnant btw, but who can tell since unlike me and Jessica Simpson, she only ever gains 3 pounds – it’s not natural I tell you!)

Batman

Shortly after 9/11 a boyfriend and I were at the Grove watching a movie when alarms sounded, lights flashed, and we were instructed to exit the theater in haste.  Since that experience I have always been aware of the ‘fish in a barrel’ phenomenon of movie going.  There we all are, in the dark, absorbed in our purchase, and lined up nicely for something dangerous to happen.  On that particular post 9/11 evening at the Grove it took quite some time for our theater to empty.  Not to mention the other 15 theaters.  It was pandemonium at the Grove that night.

As new details emerge about the shooting in Colorado, I can’t help but feel that this tragedy was bound to happen sooner or later.  Why Batman though?  What about the masked avenger inspired such violence in that man?  Sam and I had tickets to see Batman Rising on Saturday night.  We didn’t go.  Not because we were afraid of a copycat occurrence, but because our daughter fell off the sofa and bonked her head on the coffee table.  But in all honesty, going to see Batman just didn’t seem all that fun anymore.

Move Your Body – Songs On My Playlist

Some of the songs are old.  Some of the songs are new.  Some of the songs are yellow.  Some of the songs are blue.

Some of the songs make you want to rub your hootchie coochie on a pole.  Some are better suited for dancing like you’re on parole.  Some are for sitting and belting out the song.  Some are for doing long dong bong gong.

But the one thing they all have in common – they make me move.  Move my body.  Move move move my body.

• Someone Like You ADELE 
• Levels Avicii
• Level The Raconteurs
• Black & Gold Sam Sparro
• Good Feeling Flo Rida
• Somebody That I Used to Know (feat. Kimbra) Gotye
• 99 Problems Hugo
• ‘Till I Collapse Eminem & Nate Dogg
• Just Can’t Get Enough The Black Eyed Peas
• Pumped Up Kicks Foster the People
• Suave (Kiss Me) [feat. Mohombi & Pitbull] Nayer
• International Love (feat. Chris Brown) Pitbull Planet Pit (Deluxe Version) Pop 5
• Countdown Beyoncé
• Come n Go (feat. Enrique Iglesias) Pitbull
• Shining Down (feat. Matthew Santos) Lupe Fiasco
• In My Time of Need Ryan Adams
• Wildcat Ratatat
• Loud Pipes Ratatat
• The Seed (2.0) The Roots & Cody Chestnutt
• To Be Young Ryan Adams
• Oh My Sweet Carolina Ryan Adams
• Destiny Zero 7
• In the Waiting Line  Zero 7
• Hold On Alabama Shakes
• Ya Me Voy Ceci Bastida
• Jolene Dolly Parton
• Children of the Revolution Elton John, Ringo Starr & T Rex
• Sweet Baby Macy Gray featuring Erykah Badu
• Crystal Ball Keane
• Electric Feel MGMT
• Billie Jean Michael Jackson
• The Moneymaker Rilo Kiley
• Everything I Can’t Have Robin Thicke
• Buster Voodoo Rodrigo y Gabriela
• Laura Scissor Sisters
• The High Road Broken Bells

Marry Me Sugar Daddy

Why do I keep getting emails from ‘Marry Me Sugar Daddy?’  Everyday there’s at least one in my inbox and I cannot understand how this has happened.

A) I am not a man

B) or a Daddy

C) nor do I have a preference for females when it comes to holy matrimony (especially when they’re just after me for my money)

So of course, me being me, I finally had to do a web search.  Turns out Marry Me Sugar Daddy is a dating site pairing (and I quote) beautiful women with successful men.  Sounds legit to me.  Best of all, in the search box on the home page, visitors can choose to be a Sugar Baby or a Sugar Daddy.  I couldn’t help myself.  I had to peek.

As soon as I typed in who I wanted (Sugar Daddy) the website sent me to a page of grayed-out profile pictures.  Before I could see all my potential Daddies I needed to supply just a bit more about myself.  One question in particular struck my fancy as it pertained to what type of relationship/arrangement I was looking for.  These were some of my choices:

Benefactor (I want to spoil)

Beneficiary (I want to be spoiled)

Casual / Intimate

Extramarital Affair

Serious (Long-Term)

Travel Partner

 

Once I answered the questions and supplied my email, date of birth, and waist size (just kidding – not really) I was free to check out my potential rent payers.  In their profiles I could see where they lived, what they did for a living, what their monthly budget was for spoiling me, and what they earned in yearly net income.  Not to mention some pretty awesome profile pictures that were totally real and in no way taken from a modeling website.

Lastly, the Daddies (literate millionaires that they are) got to type in a little blurb.  My favorite read as follows:

I would love to find a girl/woman to take out on my boat with me when i can. IF she loves the open sea like I do, i know we will both have a blast together. The ocean can be pretty romantic as well.

Yes, what a romantic blast that would be.  The only thing missing is the “…and she was never seen from or heard from again.”