Bridesmaids

Tomorrow night I’m off to see the movie, Bridemaids and it will be my first movie in months.  As a professional bridesmaid, I’m curious to see just how far director Judd Apatow will take it.  Trust me people, being a bridesmaid is an ugly job.

First of all, no matter how much your friend (ex-friend actually, now she’s just another crazy bride whose body has been possessed by aliens) promises you you’ll totally love the dress and can “wear it again, I swear!”…you won’t.  The dress will be hideous and you will never ever wear it again unless you’re pulling it out of the closet for a costume party.  By the way, there are 15 women out there who are reading this and hating me right now.  I’m sorry ladies, but you all know it’s true.  When have you ever worn a bridesmaid’s dress again?  Never, admit it.  (UglyDress.com  The Wedinator)

Secondly, there’s the drama and I’ll use my own wedding for this one.  Leading up to the day, my nerves went into over-drive.  Sleep, calmness, and the ability to keep my head from spinning around on my neck all flew out the window.  I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep (I know, I said that one already, but it needed repeating), and I would burst into tears for no reason what-so-ever.  Like, “Oh, the flowers are beautiful…boo-hoo-hoo.”  My hair was never how I wanted it to be, the zipper on my dress almost wouldn’t close, and I was perpetually late for everything.  And guess who had the onus of dealing with all of this?  Yup.

Other unwritten, but expected bridesmaid responsibilities include hooking up, drinking too much, throwing up on someone’s father, and pretending to love being in Vegas with penis paraphernalia.  Penis straws are a big bachelorette favorite and on one particularly dramatic excursion to Vegas, I got stuck with the job of procuring said phallic devices.  At the end of the strip, I mean trip, I was left with an extra bag of them, which somehow missed being thrown in a trashcan.  Days later I was at the check-out counter at Whole Foods wondering why the cashier bagging my groceries was giving me the hairy eyeball.  He kept looking from my tote bag to me with an expression that can only be described as disgust.  When I got home and unpacked my grocery bag I found eggs, milk, and 40 penis straws scattered along the bottom.  How those straws got there, I’ll never know.

Finally, being a bridesmaid means being mobile, having several thousand dollars of hidden cash, and volunteering to go to the bathroom even when you don’t want to.  A bridesmaid needs to be ready at a moment’s notice to throw a party, rescue someone from Mexico or help a bride lift her dress.  It’s your job.