Monthly Archives: February 2009

Mexico

Have you been following what’s happening down in Mexico lately?  Shootings, kidnapping, heads rolling around in Igloo coolers; it’s like a Quentin Tarantino movie.  Now reports are circulating that the violence is not just spilling into the United States, it’s downright pouring in.  My dad called last night from Arizona and told me that some of the border towns are issuing warnings.  Drug lords have moved beyond simply creeping up here to kill the people who owe them money.  It’s a whole new ballgame of killing for the sake killing.  I believe in Spanish that translates to ‘Dios Mio!’

Last night police arrested Dennis Gluck on a bus near Ensenada.  Gluck is accused of chopping up his 90 year old father and his 78 year old mother.  killerThis is his picture from America’s Most Wanted.  What I want to know is; why is Mexico making everybody so gosh darn blood-thirsty.  Is it the heat?  The spicy food?  The bright colored buildings?  More than 7,000 lives have been lost in the past year.  It’s gotten so bad even the head of the Juarez Mexican police force has had to quit his job.  The drugs lords issued a message that he had to quit or else they would start killing his soldiers.  Let’s just say they were good on their word.   

Here’s the kicker, “According to most estimates, about 90 percent of all the cocaine flowing into the United States comes from Mexico and about 90 percent of the guns seized in drug-related violence come from the United States.”*  Isn’t it just like us to stir the pot.  So for those of you heading to Mexico this weekend, I would be remiss if I didn’t urge you to prepare for chaos.  Perhaps this is the time to draft up a will or read on the Internet how to make a bomb while you’re stuck in a holding cell with your kidnappers.  I wish you the best of luck and at least you don’t have to watch out for Mr. Gluck.  One down, five gazillion to go.
*Ruben Navarrette, CNN
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Blistex

blistexThis past week I spent a night at the Parker Palm Springs; a lovely resort hotel if you’ve never been.  There in the bathroom of our villa was a veritable cornucopia of luxury bath products.  Hermes soap, Penhaligon’s from London, Peter Thomas Roth sunblock on a string, and the piece de la resistance…a brand new jar of Blistex.  Ooo La La.  I was in heaven.

But when I peeled off the security seal over the lid of my new Blistex I came across somthing I had never seen before; a warning label.  I’ll share it with you now:

Warnings 

  • Do not get into the eyes.
  • Do not apply over large areas of the body.
  • Do not use on deep puncture wounds.
  • Or animal bites.
  • Or serious burns.

So for those out you out there who have dipping and double dipping into your .25oz tub of Blistex to slather it all over your body – stop doing that.  And I’m very surprised that there’s enough in that little jar to cover an entire human body. 

As for those who are using your Blistex for medicinal purposes…what line of work are you in that you’re getting attacked by animals or punctured deeply by foreign objects?  I think that’s your first problem right there.  Instead of smearing that huge hole in your arm with Blistex may I suggest some Neosporin and a trip to the emergency room?  Bandaging that animal bite and getting medical attention might be the way to go on this one.  Now I love Blistex as much as the next guy, but I just don’t see it healing your bloody wound.  You need stitches.

Until next time, this has been your friendly neighborhood public service announcement.  Use your Blistex wisely!

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Stallone: Old Dog, New Tricks

Sylvester Stallone is making a movie and it isn’t Rocky Part 17.  It’s about a bunch of mercenaries who go to South America to overthrow a big, bad drug lord.  So what makes this movie any different from all the other drug cartel, shoot ’em up, Rambo movies?  Wait until you hear the cast!

The Expendables…starring the old dog himself, Sylvester Stallone.

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The kung-fu master dog, Jet Li. 

 jet-li1  Li has stared in over 40 martial arts movies and has received numerous awards for his talents.  As a child, he even met President Richard Nixon after winning a martial arts championship.  He’s one of my personal favorites and if you’ve ever seem the movie, Hero you known why. 

The Punisher and Master of the Universe dog, Dolph Lundgren.

  dolph  Unknown facts about Dolph: his first movie was James Bond’s A View To Kill, but before he became an actor he was a scholar who was awarded a Fulbright to study at MIT.  He’s a 3rd degree black belt, was the Team Leader of the 1996 Olympic Pentathlon Team, and used to be Grace Jones’ bodyguard.

The wife-beater, cocaine addict dog, Eric Roberts.

robertseric  Award winning actor and brother of the famous Julia Roberts, who sent his career into the commode during the lat 80’s and early 90’s with a string of arrests.  Nevertheless, his list of jobs is one of the longest I’ve even seen on IMDB with over 173 movies and television shows.  Which just goes to prove that in Hollywood, resisting arrest, possession of drugs, and beating on your wife is okay as long as you’re not voting Republican.

The crazy dog Mickey Rourke.

mickey_rourke2  Mickey Rourke is back in the spotlight, but let’s take a walk down memory lane.  Raised on the wrong side of the tracks in Miami, Mickey became a boxer and won his first fight at age 12.  His strange appearance is due to bad plastic surgery.  He claims that most of the procedure were to fix his face from the effects of boxing.  Like his good friend Eric Roberts, he’s been arrested for beating up on his wife and driving drunk.  Mickey is most known for erratic behavior, but that didn’t stop the roles from coming in.  He has turned down jobs in such blockbusters as Platoon, Pulp Fiction, and Silence of the Lambs. 

The Governor dog who will “be back,” Arnold Schwarzenegger.

arnold  The “Austrian Oak” won 5 Mr. Universe competitions and seven Mr. Olympia ones.  He grew up in a house that didn’t have a phone, a refrigerator or a toilet…now has several of all three.

And the Academy Award winning dog, Forest Whitaker.

forrestwhitaker  We all know Forest Whitaker from his role in The Last King of Scotland, but what you might not remember are his roles in Fast Times at Ridgemont High or The Crying Game.  One of his favorite actors to work with is none other than Mickey Rourke.

I’m not sure, but this sounds like Tropic Thunder Part Two.  It will be interesting to find out…shooting begins in a month.

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And the Funny Continues

Morning everyone…I’m still out of words over here so I’m sticking with the funny.  Who cares about writer’s block when you’re laughing, right?  So here’s a little something that a friend just sent me.  Please feel free to keep them coming.  Who knows how long it’ll take before my words start regenerating.

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Funny Movie Stars

Many of us saw the Oscars last night, which wasn’t too bad actually.  They shortened it, cut out a lot of awards, and pared down the Vaudville acts to a bare minimum…well, that’s not totally true.  I could’ve done with a few less – maybe just the opening act and that funny skit with James Franco.  I didn’t need all that dancing.  But my point is; it was better than usual and the dresses for the most part, were great.

What most of didn’t see were the Independent Spirit Awards.  I’m including a clip here that just can’t be missed.  Who knew Mickey Rourke was so funny?

Also, here’s my favorite commercial of the night in case you got up for a bathroom break at the wrong time. 

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Woman’s Hair Weave Saves Her Life

This is a true story:   Woman in Kansas is shot by her boyfriend in the back of the head, but lives because (wait for it) her hair weave stops the bullet.

Her hair weave stops a bullet!

I’m still laughing.  Thank you, world for such a gift…and now I’m off to get a hair weave.  And some fake nails.  And maybe a silicon injection or two.  Because it just might save my life.  If I move to Kansas…and I date someone who owns a gun…and he shoots me at a convenience store…because he’s good like that.  Ain’t love grand?

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In today’s ‘Completely Gratuitous’:  People are being paid to wear temporary tattoos that advertise companies!  New ZealandAir in particular is paying $777 or a free round-trip ticket if you shave your head and put their slogan on the back of your noggin.

What do you think about this?  Read the attached article and let me know!

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Prostitution Is Running Rampant

6118    Las Vegas police have activated a sting operation called ‘Catch the Cootchie’ where they plan to bag the 50 most active prostitutes in th2e city.  It’s a controversial play considering that Nevada is in talks to legalize the sex-for-money trade in Las Vegas valley.  As well, protesters are insisting that it’s not women who be punished, but the men who victimize them for money.  The list of the top most offenders took the police two years to gather.   prostitution_mug_shots_021409

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Now this has gotten me to thinking about prostitution and all of the most well-known working girls; starting of course with Julia Roberts.  Never before has working on your back been so glamorized as it was in Pretty Woman  where our leading lady falls in love with a billionaire and leaves the streets fhugh-grantor good to become his princess.  If only art immitated life, but no, let’s remember Hugh Grant and Divine Brown.  Hugh and Divine were caught doing a certain oral activity and to my recollection, nobody ended up driving away in a Lotus with a diamond solitaire on her third finger.  Or what about Pee Wee Herman who was caught hanging out with himself in an XXX theater.  Although he was the only person involved, it still ended up nowhere good.  Marv Albert didn’t fare any better.

Rumors have been circulating for years that Will Smith hires male prostitutes.  “According to a notorious Hollywood Madame, Smith was a client of hers for years before she packed up shop and moved her operation to Manhattan earlier this year. She remembers the first time she ever spoke with Smith. ‘I had to reassure him over and over that I could guarantee discretion,’ she said. ‘Once I convinced him I could, he placed his order. It was for a man. I had 14 women working for me and two guys. You’d be surprised at how many Hollywood stars requested the services of the guys.'”* 

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But Will’s not alone, nor is Tom Cruise or John Travolta; they just haven’t gotten caught.  Unlike Eliot Spitzer, TV evangelist Jimmy Swaggert, and Jerry Springer who might’ve been in the clear had he not paid the lady with a personal check.  Charlie Sheen and Heidi Fleiss, Clinton’s aid, Dick Morris (a foot fetish got him in the end), Reverand Ted Haggard, Senator David Vitter, Deputy Secretary of State, Randall Tobias…the list of men and their prostitutes is long and plentiful.

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The point is, prostitution has been around since the beginning of time and while it’s nice to bash those Bible thumpers who claim that they’re above everyone else (see above), it’s not going to change matters.  Las Vegas police might arrest its top 50 offenders, but there will be 50 more waiting in the wings to take over business.  Women just don’t have enough options sometimes to not grab the money they can make from selling their bodies.  I’m not condoning it, I’m just saying that a level of sympathy must be had.  These women didn’t find themselves on their backs overnight.222 

Police should instead concentrate on cracking down on the pimps who supply these women with drugs, who cut into their profits, and who therefore keep them out on the streets instead of pursing alternative sources of income.  Madams aren’t much better, just a little bit classier if hooking can be dividing into classy and non-classy, which I think might be an oxymoron.  But the women, the hookers, the real victims…well look at their faces.  They’re just women in bad circumstances.  What I don’t understand is why pornography is legal, but prostitution isn’t.  To be frank, I don’t see a huge difference.  They’re both sex for money.  So why don’t we protect the women out there who find themselves in this drastic situation?  Why don’t we help them get back on their feet like Richard Gere did for Julia Roberts?  But maybe in this economy that’s not such a great idea.  Because it sounds as if these women are doing a lot better than 5 million other Americans who don’t even have a job anymore.  Prostitution or Welfare?  Now that’s a sad state of affairs. 

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*courtesy of anythinghollywood.com  **Nesweek: Famous \’Johns\’ Exposed

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