Monthly Archives: October 2008

Free Ice Cream and Other News For Your Weekend

Lets’s start with the most important announcement, shall we?  This Sunday is Sam’s birthday!  Whoo-hoo, birthday!  Birthday-birthday-birthday!!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SAM!!!! 

Okay, enough of that. 

#2:

  I think this one’s pretty obvious.  You get to vote AND you get a free ice cream cone?   This is what I like to call a win-win situation.   Even though election day isn’t until Tuesday, November 4th, I’m just getting you ready.  This weekend, figure out where you need to go to vote, when you’re going to do it, and then calculate the best route to and from a Ben & Jerry’s for your free scoop of Chunky Monkey.

Number 3 (otherwise know as thirdly, the gay cousin of firstly, who coincidentally is related to Mr. Roeper from Three’s Company…but that’s just trivia):

This Sunday is daylight savings people.  Turn back your clocks!!!  I know most of you always get confused with the ‘Spring Forward, Fall Back’ thing so let me help you.  When you wake up on Sunday morning (aka Sam’s Birthday) and your clocks read 10am for instance…change them to 9am.  There.  Is that clear enough? 

If you want to read more about what daylight savings time is, you can check out this link:  time and date.com.  It’s fairly informative in a no-nonsense kind of way.

And finally, let’s not forget that TODAY IS HALLOWEEN!!!!  BOO!  Let out your inner demon and/or angel and have fun!  It’s one of the few days we adults have where we’re still allowed to act like kids without being admitted to St. Mungo’s psychiatric unit for the mentally deranged…so don’t let it pass you up.  Even if your plan tonight is just to stay home and hand out candy to the little’uns, get into the spirit of things.  Put on a fun outfit.  Paint your face with some crazy make-up.  Have a couple pumkintini’s and turn up the Monster Mash.  You never get Halloween 2008 again!

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The First Presedential Infomercial

I know a lot of you, Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, and Independents alike have been curious about Barack Obama’s 30minute commercial last night.  I for one, missed it, but here I am to make sure that you all don’t have to.  Part 4 was especially interesting to me after the Chrysler plant closing in Delaware.  Alright then, I’m off to watch them for myself.  Let me know your thoughts please.

And for those of you who just want the funny, check out the below link:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

The Infomercial

Clips courtesy of SixTrey94 (sounds like my on-line dating moniker on JewsforJesus.com).

Part 1:  

Part2:  

Part 3:  

Part 4:  

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Move Over Bacon, Here Comes Something Leaner

I opened my computer this morning to deal with deadlines and such and what do I see but this:

Big Bucks Without Big Debt

Grace Chen, FindTheRightSchool.com, Yahoo! HotJobs

Police Supervisor

·          The minimum requirement for police supervisors in many states is simply a high school diploma.

·           In Nassau, NY the average salary is $113,810

Registered Nurse (RN)

·          Take your pick from an associate’s degree, a bachelor’s of science degree, or a diploma program.

·          In San Jose, CA the average salary is $95,580

Computer Software Engineer

·          In 2006, eighty percent of all software engineers had at least a bachelor’s degree.

·          In Haverhill, Mass the pay for professionals in this field is $106,270

Dental Hygienist

·          At the bare minimum you’ll need an associate’s degree or certificate in dental hygiene

·          In Anacortes, Washington hygienist salaries average $97,600.

Interior Designer

·          You’ll need at least an associate’s degree.

·          Average earnings are over $50,000, but in Grand Rapids, Michigan you could make double that.

 

 

I’ve started making calls – this writing gig just doesn’t seem to be as lucrative as cleaning teeth or buying pillows.  In the meantime, I’m going to put on something slutty and walk up and down Santa Monica Blvd.  When the neighborhood cops ask me what’s what, I’m going to try to get them to take me down to the precinct for an interview.  I think this a fail-proof plan for success.  Ingenuity, people!  Listen and learn.

 

 

 

  The sluttiest cop (slash- prisoner, hooker, and porn queen) of them all…

 (I couldn’t resist)  Slutty, slutty, slutty!

 

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Oh Agave Nectar…

Oh Agave Nectar, how do I love thee?  Let me count the ways…

 

You don’t have to be stirred in like sugar because you’re a liquid already,

Like syrup and honey your pour is always steady.

There’re no dirty spoons to wash when I use your sweet juice,

‘Cause you mix right in – in science we call this to diffuse.

And your taste’s so unique and almost molasses like,

It’d be the first thing I want on a hunger strike.

Oh Agave Nectar I’m so happy I found low-glycemic you,

You’ve changed my life through and through.

If I knew how to bake I’d use you left and right,

My brownies and cupcakes would never have been so light.

It’s hard to believe that you come from a cactus,

Getting you out must’ve taken lots of practice.

But I’m so glad that someone figured it out in the end,

I love you, Agave Nectar.  You’re my very best friend.

 

For delicious agave recipes please check out this wonderful blog (below photo courtesy of the chef, Deb Schiff):

Here and There and Other Healthy Recipes

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here is how one would harvest an agave plant…it’s involves a machete and annoying laughter in the background so beware!

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Jumping Off A Bridge

If Siskel and Ebert told me to jump off a bridge, would I do it?  Probably not.  So why is it that I found myself last night cringing in a dark theater, watching a terrible movie just because of its reviews?  Granted, my favorite movie website (metacritic.com) had given it the highest of scores, but I usually mock people who live and die by the word of critics.  Yet there I was, in painful agony to no one’s fault but my own.  Why did I succumb?

Which brings me to the pit falls of peer pressure.  As a victim of movie-critic-peer-pressure I feel I can speak as an expert in this subject…We all fall prey to the opinions of others because we have no idea what we’re doing.  Granted, this feeling doesn’t happen all of the time – just some of the time, but it’s enough to wreak havoc.  It’s in those moments when we don’t know our own minds that we look around and see what everyone else is doing.  And then we make the painful mistake of copying it.

A perfect example of this is the pocket protector.  One guy gets fed up with his pen leaking ink and creates a gizmo to keep everything in check.  Another guy notices the pocket protector and thinks maybe he should get one of these – maybe it will help him work harder, meet a lady, solve the quadratic theory.  And then the next thing we know, insecure men around the world are protecting their pockets.  It’s an epidemic.  Same goes for stirrup pants, waterbeds, and lava lamps.  And men who wear camouflage.  And breast implants.  And those rings that can stretch out the hole in your ear lobe until it looks like a basketball hoop.  Actually, now that I think about it, the list of what we do when we’re all clueless is quite long.  Maybe we should just off a bridge and be done with it.  Or go watch Happy-Go-Lucky.  That’ll teach you a lesson about following the crowd.

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The News

Sarah Palin’s in hot water over her misuse of power conviction.  The stock market has taken another nose dive – chaos and fear rule Wall Street.  The world as a whole is spiralling into a recession.  Americans are losing their jobs left and right as huge companies like Goldman Sachs and Chrysler makes cuts, in some case even closing down entire plants.  And Lindsay Lohan has been fired off of the popular TV show Ugly Betty.  Life is not good on the black and white. 

So what do we do?  We ignore it.  We look at it, we read what’s going on so we’re not complete ignoramuses, and then we dump the file from our short term memory and move on.

Five things to think about this Friday, October 24th that have nothing to do with global crisis, trajedy or the upcoming election:

1. Halloween is right around the corner!  Only a week away, children, adults, and drag queens are hard at work perfecting their costumes.  If you haven’t decorated your yard yet, planned what you’re going to be or gotten candy for the neighborhood little ones, now’s the time!  Popular ideas for easy costumes include taking a stained sheet and cutting holes into it (Voila! Instant ghost), dressing all in black with a rope/ lasso hanging from your hip (Night Rider) or shoving a pillow down your shirt (pregnant or pre-op for gastric bypass surgery…or maybe both).

2.  A police officer in Ohio was put on suspension without pay for growing his mustache too long. His chief described the mustache as a ‘General Custer-type’ stache. 

Yet another reason why we should all appreciate our men and women in blue –  do you know how long it takes to grow a mustache like that?  A long time, trust me.

3.  A popular new fad in Florida is to expose one’s private parts to toll booth operators.  Not in a hostile way – no one’s opening his rain coat and wangling about like a crazed rock star.  No, this is more of a park the car in the garage, get in the car with no trousers on, and then drive around with your business in the breeze.  Something to think about…maybe even try it on a hot day.

4. The heaviest man in world has lost 500 pounds!  Once weighing over 1,200 pounds, Manuel Aribe has caught on to Hollywood’s favorite diet – The Zone.  The good news doesn’t stop there.  This happy, incredibly huge man has also gotten engaged!  And he left the house for the first time in over 5 years, which goes to prove that there’s someone for everyone…although I do wonder how he met his fiance if he couldn’t leave the house.  Internet maybe?

5.  Doctors have recently figured out why some people are happy and others aren’t.  Not only that, but it’s quantitative.  You too can be happy in only 5 easy steps…1) happy people let themselves be happy  2) happy people put their friends first and spend time with others instead of being alone and/or working all of the time  3) happy people avoid ‘If only..’ fantasies.  If only I got published-found a man-lost weight-won the lottery- everything would be perfect.  4) happy people orchestrate their lives to bring joy and make choices that help create being happy  5) happy people understand why they’re special and work towards goals that appreciate this unique, personal potential

The moral of the story is, we can all be happy!  (To read more about this, check out this link: Happy People Guide )

That’s it for today… have a great weekend and don’t forget to go pick up your Halloween candy!

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Dancing for Dummies

I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to blurt it out…I take hip-hop dance classes.  Several times a week in fact.  And I’m not very good.  And I’m the only one who doesn’t have on a half-shirt that shows off her rock-hard abs.  I don’t even have rock-hard abs, half-shirt or whole-shirt.  In fact, I’m ususally wearing the least hip outfit in the class, but I don’t know where you’re supposed to buy hip hip-hop dance clothes.  Hollywood Boulevard?  And Wil (my teacher) sometimes laughs at me, but in a good way I think.

Every day we learn a whole new dance routine.  There are arm movements and leg movements, twirls and kicks and booty-shaking.  I never really get the whole dance.  At some point the teacher, Wil moves so fast that no matter how many times I try there’s just no way my feet and body can do it.  It doesn’t matter though because I’m fantastic.  That’s the truth.  I am utterly fabulous at hip-hop.  Why?  It’s not my body and it’s not my technique that’s for sure.  I’m just that good because I love it.  I’m happy.  I’m having such a great time that it doesn’t even matter that I can’t do the robot into the worm into the 18-step, complicated booty-shake, hip swirl thing. 

And that’s the point.  Who cares if we’re good at something or if we suck at it?  Who’s to say that we even suck?  Maybe we’rethe ones who are the fabulous ones and those other people are just trying to emulate us.  No joke, here’s what my classes are like…

Hip Hop Dancing

See!  It’s awesome!  Now you go out there and do something crazy too.  Do something that you’re scared to do.  That maybe you stink at.   And perhaps you’ll find that it’s so much fun you can’t believe you waited so long to try it. 

Cheers!

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