Monthly Archives: July 2010

World’s Biggest Baby

I apologize for continuing to chronicle the adventures of my pregnant friend, The Giant Colossal Panda, but it’s like watching a science experiment combust.  I’ve never seen anything like it before and since she insists that I do almost everything with her, I’ve got first hand seats to something better than Monster Truck Racing.

The Panda is about a year late at this point and starting to worry that the baby will never come out.  Maybe some people just don’t give birth.  Or maybe the little one will wait to make a debut until he/she can legally order a martini and take a trip to Fiji.  Who knows what this kid is thinking?  If I had known then what I know now, maybe I too would wait a few years before making an appearance.  So while the Panda wraps her head around the possibility of being Colossal Ginormous forever, I did a little recognizance.

There have been no recorded cases of a woman being pregnant forever.  However, on September 24th, 2009 a woman in Indonesia gave birth to a real chub – 19lbs 2 oz.  Wonder how long they let that baby cook?  According to the Guinness Book of World Records there was once a baby in Canada back in 1879 who sadly didn’t survive, but who came out at a whopping 23lbs 12 oz.  And in Italy there was a child who squeezed out at 22lbs 8oz.  The Italian baby was fine and dandy and reported to request a second serving of pasta pomodoro.  Moral of the story, maybe The Giant Colossal Ginormous Panda is having a Giant Colossal Ginormous Panda baby.

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Inducing Labor: 101 Ways To Get That Baby Out

My dear pregnant friend, The Giant Colossal Panda has still not had her baby even though it was due about a year ago.  The good news is, the baby is fully functional and with the help of a megaphone-like attachment to the Panda’s stomach, the baby can communicate her needs and wants.  It’s a bit disconcerting the first time you hear the little one request eggs and bacon for breakfast, but you get used to it pretty fast.

In the meantime, the Panda has not given up on getting that baby infant toddler child teenager out.  The two of us have compiled extensive internet research on inducing labor.

Foods:

  1. Eat Pineapple – while tasty, the Panda has eaten several entire pineapples with no visible results.
  2. Spicy Food – the only thing this seems to induce is heartburn.
  3. Chinese Food – while Kung Pao is a great name for a baby, the chicken dish is not doing much to start contractions.
  4. Greasy Food – McDonald’s french fries have never tasted better.

Sexy Time:

  1. Nipple Stimulation – the Panda’s doctors are big fans of this one as are random women on the street who keep stopping her and asking her if she’s tried it yet.  The delineation of ‘too much information’ has never been so apparent.
  2. Semen – as if men didn’t think that thing was great enough already.
  3. Thumb Sucking – I guess it’s better than picking your nose in public?

Herbs:

  1. Black Cohosh – used mostly for menopause symptoms, this herb comes with a list of warnings about 2 pages long.
  2. Blue Cohosh – the Panda has hit several legal (and not-so-legal) herb shops, but no one seems to carry it.  Even the guy in the park selling unicorn tablets said he couldn’t get his hands on any.
  3. Evening Primrose Oil – apparently it has the same chemical as semen in it.  (eye roll)
  4. Castor Oil – not really an herb, more like a violent diuretic.  Castor Oil was given a vehement thumbs down by the Panda’s doctors who told her they didn’t care what people in West Virginia did, it was too dangerous to even think about.

Movement:

  1. Walking – as the number one method of inducing labor, the Panda has taken this one to heart.  She’s putting several miles a day under her belt just waddling back and forth to the bathroom, but it doesn’t seem to be enough.  Plan B includes crossing state lines.
  2. Bumpy Roads – just because someone went into labor in a pick-up truck on an old back road doesn’t mean bumpy roads start birth…but the Panda has rented a Toyota Tacoma anyway.

Other:

  1. Acupuncture – high success rates on paper, but no results for the Panda.
  2. Acupressure – at least it feels good.
  3. Drinking Wine – does this work before or after the Panda scarfs down another large McDonald’s fries?
  4. Getting Naked, Eating 12 Eggs, and Running Around The Neighborhood  – the Panda plans on trying this one tonight!

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Pregnant and Hip Hop Dancing?

If you’ve never seen a pregnant woman bust a move, trust me when I tell you that it is truly one of the wonders of the world.  The Great Pyramid of Giza, the Great Wall of China, and a ginormous woman doing a body roll.  See these things and you can die with a happy smile on your face.

Every Saturday my dear pregnant friend, The Giant Colossal Panda takes her belly to hip hop class.  To watch it is to feel like a part of an after-school special or some strange public service announcement:  Don’t get pregnant and think you can still hit the clubs.  You can’t.  It’s tacky.

The music pumps and lyrics fill the studio about drinking champagne and partying with the hoes.  The class shimmies and shakes.  Booties jiggle.  Boobies sway.  And The Giant Colossal Panda appears on stage like a what NOT to wear.  You’re not allowed to have sexy dance fever when you’re pregnant…that’s what you got into this whole ‘pregnant’ thing in the first place!  Giant Pandas are supposed to sit at home and wait for their Baby Pandas.  Pick up knitting.  Learn how to garden.  But for goodness sakes, stop trying to shake your ass!

The Panda rebuffs all good taste however, and waddles to class week after week.  Below is a video I captured with the help of a talented National Geographic team.  Be warned, it is not for the faint of heart.  (music has been altered due to problems with Flip Video – original song was shots, shots, shots song)

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Man Kills Wife

In England, a man has been accused of killing his wife because of how she played bridge.  Obviously, he didn’t like her style.  Police found the woman 3 days after the fight, dead in the couples’ home of multiple (try 100) stab wounds.  All injuries were to her neck and upper body.  If you ask me, this is no simple “You gave away a 5?!” stabbing.  Maybe 1 knife wound would account for a bad card choice, but 100?  This guy had been hating playing bridge with his wife for a long time.

When I curiously searched for more stories about men killing their wives over games, I wasn’t disappointed.  A man in Pennsylvania stabbed his wife and bludgeoned her to death with a hammer after she complained about him staying up to watch the playoffs.  Back in April, the Pittsburgh Penguins and Ottawa Senators went into triple overtime and apparently this guy couldn’t miss a minute of it.  After he stabbed his wife 4 times, took the hammer to her head 10 times, and finished up watching the game (the Senators won), he burned down the house to hide the evidence.  I’m no hockey fan, but why not just go to a bar and save yourself a dead wife and a burnt-down house?

And the murders don’t stop there.  A German man killed his wife over her addiction to computer gaming.  Apparently, he found out she was involved with a dragon slayer in her favorite fantasy game, Rappelz.  He stabbed her 17 times in the upper body and 3 more straight to the heart for good luck.  You know, just in case she was wearing a healing cloak or had taken her dragon-skin elixir that morning.  And in England a man killed his wife after she became hooked on Grand Theft Auto.  They were both in their 60’s, had three kids, and been married forever.  One day you’re growing old with someone, the next you’re stealing cars, pimping hoes, and dead.

Moral of the story…don’t get married.  Or if you do, take a wide berth when it comes to games because for all of these stories of men killing their wives over games, there were just as many going the other way.  People are nuts!

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Waiting For A Baby

As my dear friend, The Giant Colossal Panda waits for the arrival of her newest little one, I find myself sucked into a vortex where time seems to almost stand still.  Minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day we sit vigil with her gargantuan stomach wondering when the little one will make an appearance.  Every time she gets up to use the bathroom we hold our breath; is it her water breaking or is she just going to the bathroom for the 5th time in 20 minutes?  Each cramp and ache makes us pause; is it the beginning?  Has labor begun?  And yet time after time the answer is no.  The baby is not here and for all intensive purposes, there isn’t a sign in the world that he/she is coming.  No smoke signals, no flock of birds, no Disney animals winding ribbons through the trees.  Just a lot of not-so-patient waiting and a large dose of uncomfortable grumpiness.

I feel bad for the Panda.  She’s the size of a Mini Cooper, her ankles look like tree trunks, and now she’s gotten some weird 3rd trimester rash that has her itching like a 6 year old with chicken pox.  It’s not a good time.  Meanwhile, I’m hitting the clubs, wearing tight mini-skirts with 4-inch heels, and bragging about how I can not only see my feet, but my knee caps as well.  She doesn’t appreciate any of it.  The point is, waiting for a baby to arrive is the pits.  As if 9 months/36 weeks wasn’t long enough, some madcap evolutionary Darwinism changed the time frame to 40 weeks…and then baby messes that up and changes it to whenever baby feels like it.  Being in the uterus must be some kind of wonderful.

Well for The Giant Panda’s sake I hope and pray that her little one comes soon.  Maybe it’s the frothing at the mouth and the eye rolling, but she’s looking a little ragged around the edges.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Acupuncture vs Acupressure

For the past three weeks I’ve been experimenting weekly with both acupuncture and acupressure.  Acupuncture is the Chinese medicine where someone sticks little needles in you at special points that are supposed to connect to something else in the body.  For example, stick a needle in your elbow, get rid of insomnia.  Acupressure on the other hand, is the belief that pressing on certain points through massage will affect target areas in the body.  Feet are a big acupressure zone; massage the big toe, get the intestine working regularly.  Both are fairly similar in theory, but I’ve noticed very different results.

Acupuncture lowers my energy level.  I go into the office and climb up onto the table.  My acupuncturist talks to me for a bit about what we want to accomplish and then she chooses a size of needles.  Needles with red plastic on the ends have smaller heads, blue plastic on the end means bigger.  I don’t know if there are any other colors like green for gargantuan because I haven’t graduated that far.  All I know is that the red needles are so tiny I don’t even feel them.  Denise, my acupuncturist puts the needles in and then I lie there on the table in the semi-dark with Gregorian chanting or bells playing in the background.  I’m there for about an hour and I usually, but not always fall asleep.

After the session I’m always hungry, which Denise tells me is a common result.  All I want to do is to go home, have a snack, and zone out on the sofa.  I’m not sure why this happens, but my best guess is that my body is working hard.  That needle in my elbow has triggered something deeper and the desired effect of why I went in there in the first place is on its way.

Acupressure on the other hand, is a fairly relaxing experience and once the fog clears from my head, I feel pretty much up for anything.  My masseuse, Angie comes over to the house and we set up on my bed.  After turning on a fan and closing the shades, she and I get to work for the next hour and a half.  The session usually begins with some massage work just to get my body relaxed and supple.  Then slowly, but surely she turns on the pressure stuff.  At first, Angie presses lightly to test out the areas and to see what happens.  She can tell before I do when an area is going to be sensitive.  If I don’t jump from the bed like a scalded cat, she presses the spots harder and harder in a a type of concentric pattern until she somehow discerns when I’ve had enough.  Believe it or not, despite the hurt, I usually drift off during our sessions.  Somehow the release of pressure drags me under into a light, floating sleep.

Acupressure, in my novice opinion, doesn’t have the lasting results of acupuncture, but it does make my body feel much better.  Where acupuncture leaves me feeling as if my body is working hard, acupressure leaves me feeling looser, more relaxed, and energized.  I think both are equally beneficial and I’m sticking with them for a bit longer.  Tuesday or Wednesday for the needles, Thursday or Friday for the rub.  Now all I’ve got to do is sell a book and make millions so I can keep this up forever.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Bad Boy Hank vs Good Boy Hank

Bad Boy Hank goes to the dog park and charges little old ladies like an angry bull.  People scream, parents lift their children high into the air, and the other dogs quiver in their coats.  Good Boy Hank on the other hand, can sit.

Bad Boy Hank looks like an angel and then lifts his leg and pees on my Aunt Margee’s foot, covering her sneaker in a long, yellow stream of warm dog urine.  Good Boy Hank knows what down means.

Bad Boy Hank stands at the living room window and watches the street between 3 and 4pm, waiting for the mailman to arrive.  I’ve even seen Bad Boy Hank set the alarm clock on days when he wants to take an after-lunch snooze.  Then Bad Boy Hank will terrorize Gregory (our mailman) like some kind of demon creature with snarling teeth and dripping saliva.  Meanwhile, Good Boy Hank gives kisses.

Bad Boy Hank tries to eat people on skateboards and bikes.  His mouth opens up like a shark’s and he can get up to a kneecap on the first bite.  Good Boy Hank however, will sit at my feet for hours calm and quiet as a rock.

I’ve looked on-line for medicine, therapy, even an exorcism, but I think Bad Boy Hank is here to stay.  Deep down I know Good Boy Hank is just tricking me…Bad Boy Hank is always waiting to come out.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized