Post Partum Insonnia – Otherwise Known As Crazy Town

My baby is 4 months old.  Things should be getting easier, right?  Smoother?  More perfected and “in the groove” like?  But they’re not.

In the beginning of August Baby caught the cold that big sister and daddy had.  Coughing, sneezing, fever, stuffed-up nose – except his just wouldn’t go away.  Cut to a few stressful nights and a nebulizer later and Baby is finally on the mend.  Except, he hasn’t slept more that 2 to 3 hours in a row since July.  Hence, I haven’t either.

I’m trying hard not to complain here.  No one hates a complainer more than me.  So please give me the benefit of the doubt as I try to just explain the situation as clinically as possible.

All night, every night, I awake to comfort and feed Baby.  It starts at 7pm.  10pm.  1am.  3am.  5:30am.  This has been going on since Baby got sick.  And then big sister wakes up, daddy goes to work, and I am in charge of keeping the boat afloat until our nanny arrives at 2 or 3pm.  At that point, I either go to work or run errands.  At 6pm the dinner, bath, bed routine starts for both kids and my night launches.

I’ve become so anxious about not sleeping all night, that now I can’t sleep.  I lie awake waiting for Baby to wake up again, because sometimes it’s only an hour after I’ve finished feeding him so what’s the point in trying to fall asleep again?  I lie awake plotting ways to get both kids to nap at the same time during the day so maybe I can catch a quick nap.  I lie awake thinking about what a shit I am to want to check into a hotel and hide away until I stop feeling so stretched and exhausted.  And then I beat myself up because I feel whiny and very very less-than.  I hate whiners.

My appetite has dwindled.  My smile is still very bright.  I am not as much fun to be around as I usually am and not just because I seem to be constantly covered in sweat.  These up and down feelings make no sense except if I could just get a little more sleep maybe?

I refuse to take pills.  I refuse to leave the kids in the care of strangers just because it’s easier for me.  I can do this.  I can figure this out and be a good mom and be a good wife and have my cake and eat it too.  I can be the parent I envision for myself and work and have a social life.  I just wish I were having more fun doing it all.

Post partum insomnia is a real thing so me feeling so overwhelmed by this lack of sleep…well if Google is anything to go by, I’m not alone.  The worst is when people tell me to go take a nap.  I would if I could, but I can’t.  I just can’t.

I exercise.  I don’t drink caffeine after 9am.  I’m happy.  I like going out to do this or that.  I enjoy working.  I enjoy my friends.  I just can’t sleep.

And I’m smiling as I write this, embarrassed that I’m even talking about it.  It’s craziness.

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