Ever since my dear friend (The Giant Panda, you may have read about her in my previous blogs) had her baby, my life has been turned upside down. I’m not quite sure how I got roped into being her 24/7 bitch, but there you have it. As a result, my life has gone down the tubes. No blog writing, no teeth brushing, and you can just forget about getting a hair cut. I look like one of those women on COPS who gets arrested in their trailer park for drunk driving over a neighbor’s lawn ornaments. I’m not kidding – I’m a mess.
The Panda is not doing so hot either. This morning she had throw-up on her pajamas and a twig in her hair. When I asked her where the twig came from she mumbled something about a 4am feeding and then proceeded to squeeze some breast milk into her coffee. The Panda and I are like Laverne and Shirley meet Dumb and Dumber. In all fairness, I’m Dumber.
The truth is, no one tells you how hard this baby-raising gig is. Or maybe they do, but it’s impossible to understand what they’re talking about until you fall down the rabbit hole yourself. I feel like an anthropologist on an expedition to interact with and study a bunch of Amazonian cannibals. Not that the Baby Panda eats human flesh (she’s still on an all-milk diet these days), but she’s equally as strange and fascinating. For those of you who read my blog to experience inane repartee and intense investigative journalism, I apologize for being stuck on this baby kick for so long. All I can tell you is that until I come out of the trenches, this theme is here to stay. Tune in next week for ‘Hiring a Nanny: everything you need to know, but wish you didn’t.’