This morning at 4:38 my phone rang. It took me a moment in my sleep to connect the noise with what was happening. Eventually I fumbled in the dark for my phone, which was somewhere on the bedside table.
“Hello?” I said, slowly sitting up.
“I’m having a contraction!”
“Who is this?”
“It’s me, The Giant Panda! I’m having a contraction.”
“Do you know what time it is?” I asked her.
I heard something crash on the other end of the line. “About 4:30am.”
“Yeah so why are you calling me? I was sound asleep.”
“Well who else am I going to call?”
“I don’t know. Wake up your husband or something.”
“I will right after I get off the phone with you.” I sighed and reached over to turn on the lamp. Blinking in the sudden, bright light I waited for whatever was going to come next. “Are you still there?” She asked.
“Unfortunately. So you had a contraction and decided I needed to know. How can you even tell it’s a real contraction and not one of those Badgley Mischka ones?”
“You mean Braxton-Hicks? I guess it could be, but I don’t think so.”
“Is it painful?”
“Not as bad as the itching actually. If this is all there is to it, I’m golden.”
“But I thought you decided you wanted the baby to come out on Monday so the birth date would be 08-09-10.”
“Yeah that would be cool too, but if this is it, this is it.” The Panda sounded excited.
“I wouldn’t get too pumped up. Knowing you and this pregnancy, I bet this contraction is just a false alarm. Have you had another one?”
“See? It was probably just a gas pain. Let’s go back to sleep and pretend like this was all nothing but a horrible dream.”
“You’re a terrible friend. You know that right?”
“Yes, that’s great. So I’ll talk to you tomorrow and don’t forget, wake up your husband next time.” I hung up and turned the light back off. Damn Pandas. I’d probably never get back to sleep.