The Pregnancy Salad

There’s a salad in Los Angeles that’s rumored to start birth, BAM! just like that.  Called The THE Salad, it’s been around for years with the newspaper articles and news reports to prove it.  My dear friend, the Eternally Pregnant Panda called me up yesterday and begged me to join her.  It required a trip out to the valley, but I was game.  It was the least I could do since the poor old girl has been pregnant for a couple of years now.

Caioti Pizza Cafe began in Laurel Canyon by the man known as ‘The Pizza Prince’ of San Francisco who was wooed by Wolfagang Puck to invent some of the greatest gourmet pizzas of our time.  The BBQ chicken pizza, my personal favorite, is just one of his many creations.  When he left Spago to open his own pizza cafe, he stumbled upon a salad made of romaine, watercress, walnuts, Gorgonzola, and a zesty balsamic dressing that seemed to push pregnant ladies over the edge.  One happy new mother told another and soon word got out that The THE Salad would help those poor Giant Beasts who were overdue with child.

The Panda was like a wild-eyed, rabid dog when we arrived.  She’s covered in hives these days and I think trying not to take a cheese grater to her body is about all she can think about.  We sat down and I ordered a BBQ chicken pizza and a coke.  She ordered The THE Salad and nothing else.  I tried to start a conversation with her, but it was like talking to a wall.  She just kept mumbling something about “out out damn itch” and “miracle-salad-blah blah blah.”  That part I wasn’t too sure about because I got distracted by her twitching, blood-shot eyes rolling around in their sockets.  Don’t repeat this, but The Panda is becoming increasingly more and more frightening to be around.

The kind waitress brought out the salad and The Panda dug into it like a starving man from Borneo.  Dressing was flying in all directions and I sent up a prayer that this thing did the job.  My pizza came and The Panda tucked into some of that as well.  It was not a pretty sight.  After the meal she signed one of the many guest books (I counted at least a dozen) filled with stories and affirmations that The THE Salad really works.  She also read all of the literature that the staff brings out to you when a Huge Giant Panda orders the special salad and she devoured those as well.

Unfortunately, I spoke to her this morning and there is still no sign of Baby Panda.  Looks like The THE Salad only works on humans and not Colossal Pandas who have been pregnant since Regan was in office.  Today she is remaining in a bathtub filled with ice and oatmeal until it is time for me to fetch her and take her to the doctor’s office.  I’ve read something about a shaman and bat poop that’s had some success with inducing babies…I might just run it by her.


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