My dear pregnant friend, The Giant Colossal Panda has still not had her baby even though it was due about a year ago. The good news is, the baby is fully functional and with the help of a megaphone-like attachment to the Panda’s stomach, the baby can communicate her needs and wants. It’s a bit disconcerting the first time you hear the little one request eggs and bacon for breakfast, but you get used to it pretty fast.
In the meantime, the Panda has not given up on getting that baby infant toddler child teenager out. The two of us have compiled extensive internet research on inducing labor.
- Eat Pineapple – while tasty, the Panda has eaten several entire pineapples with no visible results.
- Spicy Food – the only thing this seems to induce is heartburn.
- Chinese Food – while Kung Pao is a great name for a baby, the chicken dish is not doing much to start contractions.
- Greasy Food – McDonald’s french fries have never tasted better.
- Nipple Stimulation – the Panda’s doctors are big fans of this one as are random women on the street who keep stopping her and asking her if she’s tried it yet. The delineation of ‘too much information’ has never been so apparent.
- Semen – as if men didn’t think that thing was great enough already.
- Thumb Sucking – I guess it’s better than picking your nose in public?
- Black Cohosh – used mostly for menopause symptoms, this herb comes with a list of warnings about 2 pages long.
- Blue Cohosh – the Panda has hit several legal (and not-so-legal) herb shops, but no one seems to carry it. Even the guy in the park selling unicorn tablets said he couldn’t get his hands on any.
- Evening Primrose Oil – apparently it has the same chemical as semen in it. (eye roll)
- Castor Oil – not really an herb, more like a violent diuretic. Castor Oil was given a vehement thumbs down by the Panda’s doctors who told her they didn’t care what people in West Virginia did, it was too dangerous to even think about.
- Walking – as the number one method of inducing labor, the Panda has taken this one to heart. She’s putting several miles a day under her belt just waddling back and forth to the bathroom, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. Plan B includes crossing state lines.
- Bumpy Roads – just because someone went into labor in a pick-up truck on an old back road doesn’t mean bumpy roads start birth…but the Panda has rented a Toyota Tacoma anyway.
- Acupuncture – high success rates on paper, but no results for the Panda.
- Acupressure – at least it feels good.
- Drinking Wine – does this work before or after the Panda scarfs down another large McDonald’s fries?
- Getting Naked, Eating 12 Eggs, and Running Around The Neighborhood – the Panda plans on trying this one tonight!