My very pregnant friend (aka the Giant Panda) is losing her mind and all I can do is watch as it rinses down the drain. It’s getting to the point where I’m nervous to let her out alone. She’s dangerous. I’ve been contemplating calling the local zoo to ask what their policy is on animals who have gone insane, but I’m worried about the answer. She’s a good Panda; I just don’t want her to wind up lost in a grocery store in the cookie aisle.
I began seeing the first signs months ago, but this week has been like a blinking neon light.
Case Study One: The Giant Panda asked me to accompany her to interview a pediatrician in Beverly Hills. I agreed and the two of us headed towards the fancy part of town. At the office another woman with a bowling ball in her blouse got on and off the elevator with us and the Panda and I surmised that she too was headed to the doctor’s office. We were right. The unknown pregnant woman signed in at the front desk first and the Panda waited until it was her turn. She wrote her name, looked down at it, looked back at the fist pregnant woman, and then said in a voice that we all could hear, “I just wrote down the wrong name.” She had copied down the woman’s name instead of putting her own. After apologizing to the receptionist and crossing off Shawn Johnson (which is nowhere close to The Giant Panda), the Panda sat down and bowed her head. “I’m losing it.”
Case Study Two: The Panda has been eating her weight in sweets lately. M&M’s, cupcakes, ice cream, chocolate chips – I almost never see her without some kind of chocolate smudge on her face. So when Williams Sonoma announced their annual summer sale, I suggested the two of us go to see if the popsicle maker was on sale. I’d much rather see her eating homemade fruit popsicles than a dozen caramel turtles from Fannie Mae. The two of us walked in and headed over to see the popsicle display. It wasn’t on sale yet. We turned back towards the exit when a nice, older woman spoke to us. She had on the green apron flagging her as a William Sonoma employee. “Those popsicle makers are great. My grandchildren love them. We also have a nice new display of other baby stuff if you’d like me to show you?” The Panda growled and squinted at the sweet woman like Dirty Harry. Then she said (and I kid you not), “How did you know I was having a baby?”
A pause ensued where the woman and I exchanged mystified glances and then the store rocked with our laughter. The Panda had forgotten that she had a huge baby Panda growing out of the front of her body. A baby Panda by the way, that pushed her dress out a good foot and a half and that all the world could see.