Last night I was hanging out with my dear friend, that boring pregnant gal, when she dragged out a series of large boxes.
“What’s that?” I asked her curiously.
“Presents!” She said warmly and I was touched beyond belief. She had gotten me something as a thank you for spending so much time with her while she was stuck in this rotund state of dullsville/baby-making.
“Oh! You shouldn’t have.” I said as I reached eagerly for the first box.
She tilted her head at me. “They’re not for you. They’re for the baby.”
Seems to be, people were sending her presents for the baby and she had waited to open them until I came over. Something about sharing the excitement. Well she may have been bouncing in her seat (She really was actually. I’ve never seen her so over the moon), but opening a bunch of baby presents didn’t seem like something to have a freak attack over.
One by one she carefully untied the ribbons and pealed back the wrapping paper. The first box had a stuffed lamb inside that played nature sounds. Not something I would want, but pretty darn cute I had to admit. The second box had a walkie-talkie system that she couldn’t wait to set up in the baby’s room. I didn’t want to tell her that babies didn’t really talk much at first and that she was just setting herself up for disappointment. I mean come on, have you ever heard of a baby using a walkie-talkie? But I kept my lips shut and just nodded. Poor thing was deluded.
And finally we came to the biggest box of them all. Maybe this one would be something useful like a Louis Vuitton suitcase or a new deluxe coffee maker. Imagine my surprise when my friend pulled out some sort of milking device and screamed. I grabbed the box and looked at the picture. Then I screamed too. It was terrifying!
“Oh my god.” My friend kept saying over and over again. “I needed this!”
I did a double take. She wasn’t horrified? Alarmed? Disgusted? “You wanted this?”
“Yes!” She nodded her chubby face vigorously. “It’s the best pump on the market. It’s going to be great.”
I looked at the picture again of a cow woman using this strange milking machine. Huh.
I’m not sure what all this baby stuff is that my friend is so excited about, but if it were my child, I’d register for something that I could really use rather than a torture device for your breasts.
10 Things I could Really Use Right Now (in no particular order):
- a massage
- a car wash
- new pajamas
- a chicken sandwich
- a good shave (my legs are like Sasquatch’s these days)
- a beach house
- lip gloss that stays on
- a pack of gum
- and money to send my kid to college (see? I’m not totally selfish)