I went to Whole Foods last night to get some food because our house was so bare that even the freezer was empty. I grabbed two recyclable bags and shopped until my cart was full. At the cash register I had a short, but smiley conversation with the woman in front of me; and then it was my turn.
I unloaded the cart and took my two bags to the end where I could start bagging. One bag is green with wooden handles that says ‘Goo chi’ on the front (the mother of an old boyfriend made it for me – it’s very cute) and the other bag is a plain, black sack with ‘Ralph’s’ written on one side in red. I smiled at the clerk working the register and he smiled back. I think we may have asked one another how our days were. He was a young, Asian man about the same height as me who was wearing two t-shirts, jeans, and a baseball hat. He grabbed the black bag as I grabbed the green one and we began divvying up the food.
And then he looked at me really weird. In his hand was my milk, the first product to go inside the black bag, only it was paused just above the bag. “Is there something in there?” I asked. Maybe I’d left a receipt or something from my last grocery trip. The young man glanced several times from me to the bag and back again, his eyes burning into mine, searching for something. “A piece of plastic, I think.” He finally answered and I let it go. Probably he just found one of those plastic safety rings they put on drinks. No big deal.
The two minutes it took for us to bag up everything, he kept looking at me. I told myself he was just being friendly and I looked like a friendly person. I was having a good outfit day and for once, my hair was clean. It was nothing more than that. He didn’t give off a creepy vibe; in fact he was super nice, super friendly. He gave me another smile and another one of his deep, meaningful glances…and then I was off.
At home I unloaded the green bag first and then the black bag. And that’s when I saw it. “Oh my God.” I whispered alone in the kitchen. I closed my eyes and shook my head in mortification.
In late-July my girlfriends threw me a fantastic bachelorette weekend-getaway in Newport Beach; Lido Island to be exact. I guess we must have used the black Ralph’s bag to transport something because there was it,
in all it’s pink glory.
A penis straw with veins and testicles and everything.
One of the few gag gifts from the bachelorette weekend.
No wonder he kept looking at me! I went to the grocery store with a penis in my bag! He probably thought I was coming on to him!
Oh God. That man bagged my groceries and stared at a penis straw the entire time.
Note to self: check bags from now on so strangers don’t think I’m a sexual deviant.