I know there are people out there who fly around on private jets. Tall women in tight suits serve them sushi and caviar and ice cold martinis in crystal stemware. The bathrooms are bigger than a food cupboard and they don’t smell like urine with a splash of disinfectant. I bet those people even have beds where they stretch out and read a good book while they pass the time. Unfortunately, that’s not how I travel.
For a Jackson over $500, the airline industry offers me, your average traveler, the following amenities on a cross-country flight:
- 1 coach ticket with restrictions.
- 1 $25 to $50 fee per piece of checked luggage.
- 1 annoying TSA agent who will look at me as if I’m a child predator when something in my bra strap keeps setting off the metal detector.
- 1 body search by a strange woman in a too-tight uniform with rubber gloves.
- 0 food offerings, but a $10 croissant sandwich, a $4 water, and $12 snack-pack is available.
- 1 $5 pair of headsets to watch a movie I can barely see because it’s three rows ahead of me, the pilot keeps talking over it, and the screen is about the size of my wallet.
- 1 uncomfortable seat, no legroom, and a heating/cooling system that always seems to be malfunctioning.
- 2 tiny cups of a non-alcoholic beverage at the 1 hour mark and the 5 hour mark.
- 1 headache.
Granted, I’ve heard that it’s slightly better up there is <sigh> first class, but as a second class citizen, I wouldn’t know anything about that. I’m not good enough, pretty enough, rich enough or fabulous enough to fly in front of the curtain. It’s better to put me back where I belong. Where all the fat, lazy, poor, stupid, and pathetic losers belong. Because that’s how the plebeians are treated back in coach; the scum of society. We’re put in our places and I thank the airline industries for that. If not for traveling, I might have harbored dreams of grandeur, but now I just work myself into the grave so that someday I might be able to enjoy a little bit of legroom and first dibs on boarding.
In the meantime, I’m working on a method of travel were $521 American dollars buys a person a nice day, a large comfortable seat for a 6 hour flight, and some kindness. It’s called Sara Air and I’ll be your stewardess today…