Two Dummies, a Priest, and a Rabbi Walked Into a Wedding Bar…

Yesterday I chipped into the great, big iceberg we locals like to call ‘The Wedding Biz.’  It’s a ship wrecker for sure.  Miles and miles of frozen, arctic ice that new brides must traverse on a daily basis.  Only the strongest survive…thank God I never go anywhere without my axe and an ever versatile, Swiss army knife.  Bring it on, wedding biz!

During my not-so-spring-break I’ve logged in a good 500 hours of wedding search time.  I have found fabulous blogs like The Not Wedding Blog, A $10,000 Wedding, and A Farmhouse Wedding Blog.  I’ve also found that the big sites like The Knot and Here Comes the Guide are blah, blah, and blah compared to a fabulous little site called, Project Wedding.  I’ve looked at Travel and Leisure and I’ve looked at Mr. and Mrs. Smith.  I’ve called haciendas in Mexico and chateaus in France.  I’ve exchanged emails with at least 375 different wedding venues and for most it’s the same, greedy story.  Places don’t care that we’re in a recession and they don’t want to negotiate.  They want their money and they want it now, up front, and with no strings attached.  The rest of the wedding is extra, right down to the toilet paper in the washrooms.

There’s a place in LA called the Bridal Bar, which I phoned when I realized that my dream of hiring a wedding planner was not a fiscal reality if I wanted to stay on budget.  I explained my dilemma to the woman on the phone. 

“I want a 1950’s , Southern backyard wedding.  I want all of my guests to stay for a long weekend at the site and I don’t want to pay a million dollars.  Nor do I want a 3 course meal where streak plays a big role in the middle of each plate.” 

The woman was stumped.  “Well that’s just not the way we do weddings.” 

“I want the non-wedding wedding.” I said and hung up.

I don’t know how long it’s going to take me or how far I’ll have to go.  I might have to climb mountains and swim oceans, but as God is my witness, I will pull this off.  It’s personal now.  If only to prove a point to the rest of womankind, I will make this wedding happen my way…with or without a husband.  At this point, with gay marriage right around the corner, I’m keeping my options open.

No more extravagant weddings that end 1 year later in divorce.  (Yes, I went to that wedding and I’d like my gift back please.)  No more impressing the Jones’ with the biggest, the brightest, the best.  (I’ve been to that wedding too and the scent of insecurity was cloying.)  And no more big, brass bands that play YMCA, Last Chance For Love, and Shout.  (How about I shout at you, you cheesy singer?  Ahhhh!) 

I want simplicity.  I want a celebration that’s all about the celebration and not about who wore what.  What the heck happened that getting married became such a bog hooplah?  And I want Hank and Kiki there.  That’s a no-brainer.



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2 responses to “Two Dummies, a Priest, and a Rabbi Walked Into a Wedding Bar…

  1. megan

    can crappy come?

  2. mary

    then there’s only one choice my dear – someone’s backyard (not Hef’s); gather your friends to bring pot luck and all the dogs can come!

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