Things Your Girlfriends Don’t Tell You

When I was in my early twenties, a girlfriend of mine from high school pulled me aside.  She and her husband had recently gotten pregnant and as “Gina” and I had always been close, she had something to reveal.  I won’t go into details, but it was gross, it was about being pregnant, and it involved her boobies having long black hairs growing out of them at an alarming rate.  But that’s all I’ll tell you.  End of story.

As times goes on and more and more of my friends cross over important milestones like getting married, getting divorced, getting pregnant, hating your husband, hating his parents, deciding your gay, having an affair with a woman, getting pregnant again, gaining too much weight, never having sex with your husband, finding out your husband is having an affair, going into therapy, falling in love with your husband again, leaving your lesbian lover, joing the PTA, getting pregnant again… As I witness all of this, a certain set of truths have crossed my path.  So for those of you who either don’t have friends who spill the beans or aren’t ballsy enough to ask the prying questions that I do, here’s the scoop.

  1. Planning a wedding is a pain in the rear-end; like hemorrhoids, but not curable by any type of over-the-counter medicine that I know of.
  2. When older people tell you to elope it’s for a reason.  Spending gobs of money on a one-day event won’t guarantee that your marriage will last forever.
  3. You will hate your husband (or wife if the gay marriage laws get passed) on several occasions.  This means you will fantasize about a large frying pan and the back of his/her skull, but you won’t do it because A) that’s crazy and B) you don’t look good in stripes.
  4. Having a baby is the worst imaginable pain ever.  Get the drugs!  One of my girlfriends passed the point where she could and the result was not pretty.  Let’s just say that even the doctor had to tell her to keep it down.  Screaming isn’t pretty.
  5. Those stories about people pooing their pants when they give birth…they’re true.  It’s nasty.
  6. You’ll never feel more like divorcing your husband than right after you give birth.  Who knew he was such a selfish, jerk-head pig?  Try not to file for divorce – wait it out.  The feeling usually goes away within a few months.  Or you’ll hit him the frying pan and be done with it.
  7. Divorce is painful, embarrassing, humbling, and painful.  (I thought I should say that one twice)  But the good news is that by two years later you’ll be in a much better spot and you’ll probably even have met someone new.  Go you!
  8. As you grow older you will probably take a time out from your partner at some point.  Maybe you’ll call it a separation, maybe you’ll call it a break, maybe you’ll call it an extended vacation with the kids, but it’ll come and that’s cool.  You’re not the only one.
  9. He may cheat.  In fact there’s an 85% chance he will cheat.  Don’t ask about it because deep down you probably don’t want to know.  If you do find out, get ready to make some really hard choices that have absolutely no room for your ego.  It’s okay to take him back no matter what your girlfriends say.  Unless you are done-done-done in which case, leave that jerk!
  10. And last but not least, don’t take your girlfriends for granted.  They’re the ones who are going to listen to you when you feel like talking for two hours straight about your children, your husband, your fat thighs, your worries, your accomplishments…hold onto them tightly.  Your girlfriends are the truest witnesses to your life that you’ll ever have.

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