Life In the Clink

So you’re going into the pen, to jail, prison, the slammer, the cooler, the joint, lockup, up the river. 

It’s bad and you’re about to do time on the inside.  Well have no fear.  How do you think slutty Paris Hilton made it out alive?  And Martha Stewart didn’t redecorate her cell out of nowhere – someone had to be paid off in cigarettes for all that fabric and glue.   Welcome to your new best friend, the prison consultant. 

If you’ve been caught running a ponzi scheme or been busted for years of unpaid taxes, money laundering, embezzlement, perjury, fraud, narcotics trafficking; basically any white collar crime – may I introduce you to your salvation?  Larry Levine of American Prison Consultants in Canoga Park and Tom Miller at Dr. Prison in San Diego have your back. 

This is an amazing world.  Neither Levine or Miller can associate with their clients as both of them are on parole themselves.  Payment is done upfront and in cash only.  (hello, dealing with criminals here)  Larry Levine’s biggest piece of advice is to settle, settle, settle.  He specializes in the Federal Court System, which in his experience no one wins by a jury trial.  He should know, he spent 10 years in a slew of federal prisons for narcotics trafficking and securities fraud.  His website’s ‘Testemonial’ page reads like a who’s who of educated criminals.  Lawyers, doctors, politicians; everybody needs Larry’s advice. 

Even the Los Angeles Times is writing stories about these guys:

“It’s like going to a foreign country and having to learn a new language,” says Tom Miller, 54, who did time in a California prison in the 1990s for dealing methamphetamine…  “When I went in, my first cellie was a white supremacist shot-caller named Pinky…He was absolutely huge. He had Nazi signs on his toes. He started talking about some of his crimes and one of them was the rape of another inmate. . . . I was absolutely panicked.”

  • Lesson No. 1: Stay with your own race. Don’t use the phone of a person of another race. Don’t play cards with people of another race. 
  • Other lessons: Don’t join a gang. Don’t divulge too much information about yourself and don’t lie — it’s a sign of disrespect. Don’t snitch. Don’t become overly chummy with anyone because no one is your friend. Learn how to anticipate riots and avoid being raped; owing anyone money or a favor makes one vulnerable.                  (Mike Anton. LA Times, 2/27/09) 
  • LA Times Article

Someone is so writing a screenplay about this right now…. it’s like Dear Abby, but better.  Dear Larry, I’m going to jail for mail fraud.  I should mention that I’m 5’6, male, and very handsome.  Help! 

A Day In the Life In the Clink – In case you want to read some more.

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