Yesterday my best friend called me to tell me some interesting news. Both of her parents had been called in to serve their obligatory jury duties at the same time, for the same trial. What a strange coincidence, right? Oh, but it gets better…
The trial was regarding a man who, on several occasions, wangled his weiner at little children. In other words, he was a diddler. Now my best friend’s parents are wonderful people. For the sake of clarity, let’s call my friend Margaret and her parents Dottie and Paul. Anyway, Dottie and Paul have always had a special place in my heart not only because they’re the parents of Margaret, but also because they’re just good people. They’ve successfully raised three children (Margaret’s the youngest) and are now the happy grandparents of 4 (almost 5) little angels. Okay so the angel part was a big fat lie, but you know what I mean. Plus, they let Margaret hang out with me.
So what do you think happens when Dottie and Paul go in there for the jury selection? Well I’ll tell you. Dottie and Paul fill out their questionnaires about the diddler and Dottie holds nothing back. She fills hers out vehemently – Child diddlers should be persecuted to full extent of the law. Diddlers are disgusting, twisted, and should receive no mercy. If she had her way, mothers could kill diddlers on site, no questions asked. By the way, Dottie’s like 5’2, 100lbs. Satisfied that Paul will answer similarly, she hands in her answers and waits for them to be dismissed. Only thing is, Paul gets picked.
“What do you mean, your dad got picked?” I asked Margaret curiously. “He’s a dad. Why would they want a dad to judge a weiner wangler? He would send that guy straight to prison.”
“Dunno.” Margaret replied full of amusement. “He must of said he liked diddlers. My dad, the secret diddler. All these years we think he’s an upstanding psychologist, soccer coach, and perfect husband when low and behold, he’s out behind the school, buck naked in the bushes.”
“Huh. And I bet your dad is a serial killer too.” I add.
“And if my mom finds out, she’ll kill him with her bare hands because she’s a vicious vigilante.” She laughs.
“Margaret, your family is dangerous and I think your dad is a serious threat behind that nice guy exterior.”
“I know. But at least the trial is over now so we can go back to pretending.”
“Good and don’t forget to tell them I send my love.”
Note: New entry today in ‘Completely Gratuitous’