I have reached the age where I am beleaguered by babies. Some of my friends are expecting babies. Others want to have babies, but can’t meet the right man. I also have friends who are ‘baby making,’ which involves thermometers, ovulation kits, and then depression when a certain red-haired Aunt from down south comes to visit each month. Finally, there are my friends who have had babies and who spend their days cutting up grains of rice and playing with hand puppets. What part of any of this sounds like a good time?
Recently, I read about a multi-racial couple who just had twins. One twin is white. One twin is black. Now this sounds intriguing to me. If I could have a Mongolian twin I might consider pregnancy. I find Mongolian babies very cute. Ever since I watched the movie Mongol I’ve tried to understand why anyone wouldn’t want a Mongolian baby. Sadly, not all babies are so cute. A lot of them in my opinion, kind of look like big, slimy aliens. No offense to all of my friends who have babies or want babies or who are making babies. In a few months the alien thing wears off and most of then become adorable. It’s just that initial month or so when their heads are mishapen that freaks me out.
The thing is, babies are work. And then they turn into teenagers. And then they become adults who do stupid things like shave their heads and date exotic dancers named Dew Drop. And there’s nothing we can do about it. Our lives as we know them are over and everything becomes about the baby. Is the baby hungry? Is the baby happy? Can we afford to send the baby to college? Why is the baby quitting her job and moving to Hawaii and why would the baby ever wear that dress to her cousin’s wedding?
It seems to me like dogs are the answer we’ve all been waiting for. But if you have to have a baby, aim for having a Mongolian baby. Tell me if this little face dosen’t just make you squirm. It’s like she’s a little messenger of cutenss from heaven. And I’m pretty sure she’d never date a stripper.