The Jerry Sprigger Show

Jerry:  Why are you here today, Sara?

Sara:  I’m going crazy and it’s not my fault.

Jerry:  Not your fault?  How’s that?

Sara:  Well Jerry, I’m not one to point fingers, but Sam, my boyfriend is slowly driving me to an early grave.

Jerry:  But I thought you just said you were going crazy.  Could this be an illusion?  A fabrication of your crazy imagination?

Sara:  I wish it were, Jerry.  I wish it were, but no.  It’s him.  He’s driving me to drink.

Jerry:  So you’re an alcoholic too?

Sara:  You’re not listening to me.

Jerry:  You sound as if you’re starting to get angry, Sara.  Is this normal or is this part of your disease?

Sara:  I don’t have a disease!  I’m simply going nuts because you men are driving me crazy.  There.  Is that clear enough for you?  Can you understand that?

Jerry:  Let’s go to the audience.  <walks over to a large woman with ‘Chinegro’ emblazoned across her chest’>  Hello, ma’am.

Ma’am:  Hello, Jerry.  Lady, you need to get a massage, take a bath, hell, take a lover if you have to, but don’t take it out on your man.  Men are crazy.  That’s the Lord’s way.  Now get over it and move on.  Hell-lo!

<the room is full of catcalls – people stand up with their arms raised like telephone poles and begin ‘lifting the roof’ as they cheer and dance>

Jerry:  It sounds to me like the audience is for once, in agreement, Sara.  You need to accept that your man is crazy and move on.

Sara: I should have gone on Oprah.

<Tyra Banks pops out of the audience and runs down to the stage.  She grabs the microphone from Jerry and faces the camera.>

Tyra:  Tomorrow on the Tyra Banks show, How to Stop Your Man From Driving You Nuts AND Seven Things You Can Eat To Drown Your Sorrows Without Gaining Weight.  Plus, assassin and voodoo priestess, Elizabeth Taylor will be there to show you some last resorts.  All tomorrow at 2 on Fox!


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