My life as a bus-woman is nothing short of fantastic. I have ridden the North Sea in gales so strong they’ve plucked my eyebrows for me.
I’ve seen 18 castles and 42 men in kilts with no underpants on.
Even better, I’ve touched a circle of rocks that predates Stonehenge and the Pyramids by at least 1,000 years.
I’ve fought vicious Vikings.
I’ve met an owl, an eagle, a bull, and a ton of sheep.
I’ve been in the dungeons of ruthless warriors.
I write to you now from so far north, Santa Claus makes me breakfast each morning. It’s cold and it’s rainy, but that’s life as a highlander. That’s why we grow our armpit hair and wear our wellies. We highlanders don’t have time for standing about in the shower shaving. Heck, we don’t even shower! We’re too busy fighting the Jacobites and filming Harry Potter movies. We’ve got people to drink under the table and livestock to shear. The only reason I even take a break from climbing mountains in my kilt is because I’ve wandered into a scotch distillery – other than that, don’t bother me. I am ridiculously nice and unbelievably hardworking, but all highlanders are so don’t mention it.
Scotland is incredible and my family is more special than I ever realized. How did I get so lucky??? I never want to leave!