This morning I woke up and felt like the burned side of a fried egg. I won’t bore you with the details of my lack of sleep (caterwauling cat, barking dog, partridge in a pear tree), but needless to say, I’m tired this morning. Thing is, Sam’s mom is here and there’s this feeling of responsibility – to make a good impression, to be a good hostess. I don’t want her to think her son is dating a maniacal fruitcake who can’t cook. (even though he totally is)
So instead of coming downstairs looking like Jumping Jack Flash, I brushed my hair as if that’s something a girl like me would do. It’s not. In my real life the hair-brushing thing isn’t big. Same goes for my outfit. I changed clothes before I came downstairs so as to make a good impression. Well, not all my clothes, but I changed my shirt. I put on a tank top that wasn’t see-through. The point is, I made a big effort.
All this work before 9AM on a Saturday got me to my word of the day:
Potentate. One who possesses great power or sway; a ruler, sovereign, or monarch.
As Sam’s mom kindly helps me load the dishwasher and politely refrains from commenting on my acerbic wit, I’ve decided that I would like to be the new potentate of protocol. Goodbye Miss Manners and Emily Post. Hello, Sara Morris, potentate of all things proper.
Here are my declarations:
- Not wearing a brassiere is always permitted. Those who find this unfathomable must wear a bra for 74 days straight. (see if they don’t change their tune then)
- Mornings should always be silent so that the properties of caffeine have time to take effect sans impediment or distraction.
- When parents of boyfriend come to visit, said boyfriend should not disappear behind the newspaper/tennis game/New Yorker magazine.
- Boyfriends are responsible for cleaning up all dog throw-up.
- The sink is not a holding zone for dirty dishes as they miraculously find their way into the dishwasher. Put the damn dishes into the dishwasher, Sam!
- Boyfriends should also realize when their girlfriends are trying very hard to please said mothers with their nonexistent cooking skills, their continuous charm, and their effortless graciousness when such personality traits are as foreign to them as brushing their hair. Boyfriends must reward this behavior with foot rubs and jewelry.
- More rules/declarations can be added whenever I feel like it.
I’m off to rule then. Benevolently of course. Over and out, Her Highness